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by Debra L. McKeen Sparks
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"Like moths to the flame – Like lemmings to the sea…... I am drawn to you as you are drawn to me…"(C. P. Sparks Jr.)

Denim jeans and pearls
I came to you in purity
White satin and lace
I gave you all - All of me
And tragically, so slowly
I laid my first Love aside

From the ecstasy of my heart’s hope
I brought joy and life to your world
When you reached for me,
Brilliance exploded through my heart
Your tenderness made you great
When you sang to me,
Prisms of color played in my soul

Then lies gave birth to death
And the dawn brought forth
The day you said “no more”
You left me in the dark
Wrapped in horror and ugliness
You – uncaring – unconcerned, wrapped in yourself
Enveloped in malice

You took the beauty from me
I had given it freely
You gave me the most terrible of you
You left me sitting
Alone and frightened looking out
On the meadow of abandoned love

You had had enough
You needed to go tend your fire
You closed darkness over my light
You smothered the breath of life
You left me sick and vanishing
You made me small

You left me as ailing as you had been
When you first came to me
When I showed you joy
When I created play in you
When I gave you my daisies
When we danced in the moonlight

Love of my life
Soul of my soul
Passion of my presence
Pain of my present
Did you ever – even once
Consider my fragility, my tenderness
You took what was “right for you”
You left me with the worst
You wrapped yourself in bitterness
You walked away in arrogance

You have been gone so long
I have slowly – oh so slowly walked the path
To put the pieces back together
The madness – the suffering created when you left
Your hard-heart, your rejection, your deceit
They have pierced me to the core

Don’t you know –?
Don’t you remember?
These precious gifts of mine
Are made from dignity and light
From joy and simplicity
Passion and play – They come from Him
They come at a price

Yet you pilphered them and then you went
Do you carry them –?
Treasures - into the life
You now have – you now live
Without me
How could you?

Don’t you know?
I gave you all – all of me
I spread it out for you
Like a banquet
I played not a role for you
I gave you real
And now, the hours pass

You left me in shattered pieces
Like broken pottery –
Every jangled nerve exposed
Raw, defenseless – bleeding
Our sacred sanctity – revealed

Ashes on your head
Your cloak torn
You wrapped your anger ‘round you
Refusing to reach for healing
Refusing to see my pain –
Refusing to enter in
Refusing. . .

Beauty lost….hearts broken
Weeping, raw, bleeding, bruised
Cold hands – colder heart
Tears of shame overwhelming
Burning, fiery horrors of self-disgust
Self righteousness, self-sufficiency…
Raging scars – laid down years before
Melting strength – dying of thirst
In waters that rage at our thighs
Wallowing self pity – bleeding
Out life’s precious flood

Hanging in the aftermath
I am set upon by dragons
My knight is gone – there is none other
“Oh God”, I cry “Come now to me
I am set upon by terror
I am all alone.”

And to me he comes
He wears a crown and in his left hand
He wields a sword
He is my champion
He is my healer
“Let go this earthly love – I am your Sovereign”

I am the one who knows your broken heart
I know it all – I bear it all
I am come here
Into the aftermath of the present time
Into your alone, and on this lonely shore
As the seagulls cry,
I look alas to only Him

He speaks – you have never been alone
Except for when you took yourself away
When you both took yourselves away
How I have longed to love you
To bring you glorified
Into the place of abundance
I had planned for you

I bow my knee and reaching out
I take what is left
Of a heart destroyed
Tearing it from my chest
I hand to him the pieces
As the blood drips through my fingers

Father, I weep unceasingly
We danced too close to the fire
We burned ourselves – we broke our hearts
I have not much left
But this I have
These pieces, Lord. . .
Will you help me?

I bowed my head as
Hot tears poured forth,
Pointless tears of bitter sorrow
Gushing endlessly into the sand
Pain, sorrow, regret, shame
Swirling together and out into an ocean
Composure crumpled - Emotions set free

The rain comes
Rivulets form, dissolving
Strength flattens, my own that is
Abundant sadness overflows its boundaries
Mighty torrents drench the beach
The waves rise

The Father reaches mercifully
Come further up my child
Come further in
Maturity waits
I have gifts for you
I am your strength
He takes the heart

Coldness overwhelms
Frightening – and empty
Bitterness descends – muddying
The pools at my knees
Disappointments – Disillusions
Broken dreams and clogged blessings
Innocent joy – defiled

My face in my hands
My chest void of heart
Astringent waters pour once more
O God, why have you forsaken me?
And the voice descends
“I will never leave you – or forsake you!”

This sorrow is not unto death
But for my glory
For I will bring you forth
I will clothe you in honor
And I will present you unblemished
And in Glory

I will re-establish your virginity
I will renew your blush of innocence
I will make streams in your deserts
I will reinstate your heart
I will give you the oil of gladness
I will give you the mantle of joy
For the spirit of heaviness

You will not be a victim of
Hopelessness – you will not long despair
I will turn my hands upon your heart
I will take from you this dirge of death
I will supply you with a chorus of praise
I will provide you with a salvation
You have never imagined

I have not burdened you
You did it to yourself
You lost sight of what was important
You took the gift I offered and
You weighed it down with substance of nothingness
To those you became a slave –
You worshiped the idols of your destruction

I will work a new thing
I will open the water way –
You will pass through
But you must trust – again
You must trust that I know the way

It is not what you can do for me…
What I can do for you is the mystery
Surrender – for you must
To get through the water –
You must lie down – you must give up
No self-help – no self-motivation
No self-preservation…Surrender

Freedom – are you brave enough
To take it up?
Despair or grace
Grace of forgiveness – of new life
Energizing hope –freedom at last
Lord, I am willing

And He handed back my heart –
Pulsating life – fragrance of lilies
The bleeding gone
Colors of iridescent glory
Reverberating calm –
Grace - Humility of Joy

Life ascending…..
Innocence breaks into songs of grandeur
Purity flows freely,
A river of brilliance
Broken hearts remade anew –
Grief overcome – Joyous abandon – Hope rises
Love’s True Victory

“The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will shout and sing! Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the desert. And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, [shall be] grass with reeds and rushes. The ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing; and everlasting joy shall be on their heads: they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. (Isaiah 35:6-8)

Oh! How He desires to be the first love of our lives – despite what other loves we might hold. He is a jealous God – a God who is jealous for our highest good, and He will not disallow the breaking of our own hearts to bring us to a place where our dependence is in Him, were our passion and fervor is for Him alone.

He has paid a great price for us – has laid down his life – has bled every last drop of blood for us – He woos us constantly into relationship with him. He yearns to covenant with us as each morning we find our way into our lives without stopping for even a moment to listen to the sound of His voice – to His song – to his words of passionate love and longing for us. As we rush headlong into our own selfish ambitions and self-sufficiency, forgetting even to look around us – to take in the beauty that He has provided for our joy.

Change of any kind has the ability to break our hearts – to cause loss. We are being conformed to His image. When our hearts are hemorrhaging with grief and loss, He binds and compresses it with nail-scarred hands. Life may never be the same perhaps…but we have a open invitation from our King to rise to new life; A more compassionate life, wiser, more productive, to always love, in spite of the scars, looking only to Him for fulfillment – for wholeness. He created us in love and cannot love us less for our moments of misery and need but how he longs to bring us through to joy and victory in spite of all circumstances, brokenness, failures, losses, and sorrows.

How he so longingly desires with all of His heart to do a new thing – to create life out of death – to resurrect that which was lost. Oh my Father – cause me to stand still – to cry out and to bid You to come to me – to make me all that you wish to make me – to awaken in me a passion that will not be quenched but will burn forth, pouring out light to all who I might meet. That I might know your wisdom – wisdom of intangible worth – that I might all along the way, open each treasure box you have placed in my path and partake of your richness and blessing and pour forth the same to those who I so love and long for. This is my prayer, my Sovereign God – If you must break me – please use me.

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