Years upon years. Always looking back even when I donít want to remember. Time before time. I close my eyes. His beauty, His presence. I actually walked to His throne. I knelt and knew His touch. It was like nothing else, nothing else. Like liquid diamonds flowing and warm. Like sunshine pouring into my being, at once covering, and warming, and joining my spirit. The eons of time have not dulled it. Like a mother looking through her picture albums trying to remember the smell of her babies. She closes her eyes and tries to hear baby laughter, taste baby tears and feel baby joy. Her heart aches with the sweetness. Itís all past and she knows it. But today she can still hold those babies. She sees them grown and loving. But I hold nothing. My eyes close and I see only faded barbs, bitter tears, no joy, no Him. This is the pain flooding my mind, streaming to the very center of my angelic self.
Where did it start? Maybe when I first glimpsed myself in His eyes and saw the love he held for me. I knew I was worthy of His love. I wonít let the memory be spoiled. He did love me! I was worthy! I know! Why even the others looked at me and saw my beauty. They adored me. They followed my light. They still follow it to this day! I am worthy! Worthy to be worshiped!
Then He created them! And, somehow, He loved them more. It was always true. He was my Father. My Father, first! But He had reserved that love for them even as he banished me. Why, he even went so far as to plan it that way. Not just the beginning of it! He planned the whole of it, even the end of it. He spoke it all into being and then He wrapped His heart within the heart of His Son. He was His Son and His Son was Him, and what was I left to be? A failure. A fallen failure. And worse, He turned it. He made my failure part of His own plan. It was my failure to love Him more than myself?! NO! It was my failure? How can it be? I was the angel of light. No more light. I know He comes again, and this time I will fail. I will fail for the last time.