I grumbled and frowned as I pulled my sleepless body from the wreckage that I had created from tossing and turning in bed all last night.
I wrestled about my past and present situations, I wanted just for a day to become a magician making the past disappear and allowing only happiness, joy and peace to overflow in all areas of my present and future.
Joblessness was slowly leaking the life out of a once “bold” and confident black woman. I wasn't the only one that was dealing with being without a job. Since I had always had a job, when it hit me it decreased me down to a lost, dependent women that has no fight or any self esteem or worth.
I was so distracted from the world and the people around me. This behavior caused multiple arguments, and isolation. Guilt invaded me like an undiagnosed cancerous tumor that was eating up my flesh.
I started identifying myself as the women that had some major issues that she couldn't handle. Self destruction consumed me by means of substances abuse, physical and verbal abuse all done in effort to numb the pain.
Starting to sink deeper in self loathing, I would cut myself; it mostly was done as a distractive method; but afterward I would cry vigorously. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind this wasn't right and I was better than that.
My battered and busied esteem/worth I felt was on an extended vacation without any chance of returning.
But just when I thought everything was closing in on me suddenly I felt air was slowly leaving my body, a feeling of claustrophobia came over me. I felt light-headed, my was vision blurred, and legs limped.
Falling on my bed which was the closet thing to me, I fell, with my headed faced upward toward heaven. A heavy sleep attacked me, when I woke up it was two days later.
I had made in through, feeling lost and alone. I hadn't realized that my savior had been mediating over my body and my messed up mind. He had literally lifted me back to life.
God told me that I was worthy; I was loved by him, which was what I desperately needed. I was his child, which means his "Promises" to always take care of me.
That is not a statement that just came to me, I didn't make it up. You can find his promises to his people in various places in the bible.
Therefore, to spite what I saw, God sees bigger and better for me.
I am a living witness that God will pick you up and pull you over your mess right back in the land of the living.