The moment came and the team leader called out for the whole camp. Kids and Adults were present and all i could think of was the possible embarrassment i was penciled in for. Across the widespread plateau was the elector, my side were the nominees. Possibly, i would just become the elect; at the same time i was the very same guy who could become the reject, defect!
Great, i became the elect. Escaped all that shame of rejection. The year ahead was to be the busiest of my life. I knew i had much to look forward to. Temptation, pride, hypocrisy, jealousy, hatred, envy; I was definite it was going to be a part of my life one way or the other. If it was not going to be someone hating me, it was going to be me being envious of the other. Was it not going to be me being hypocritical to the people i was leading, it was going to be someone (I know & probably love very much) being jealous of me. This was to be a climax.
Of the 'encouraging' words i received were "...this is a challenging task you've taken to start...". I began to see this reality the more. The first day i carried out my duty, i can still recall, ended on the are-you-sure-you-can-do-this? note. That night i slept a long night. To tell the truth i was not afraid of sinning, neither was i afraid of the people, the task nor anything concerned with the task itself. I was in turn afraid of the very thing which i was, a Christian. I wasn't sure if i really were one; further more one who could be like "any-other-christian". It was too late to ask the people if they themselves saw a christian in me. Yes, they did, but the question were if i really was. It seemed only i didn't know the answer! Everyone else did.
Now, about twelve months later, i saw the big screen all gone. Having learned many things i now treasure most; i find confidence in the Lord. I can relate the story of Moses, how he Led the Israelis out of Egypt. How ignorant the children of Israel were to the real things of God. I'm inspired by the good thing that Moses did. He kept talking to God for he knew him to be the answer. I cherish the 'difficult' LOVE of God; how he never compromises his love towards you for your trust. He would rather leave you not trusting him yet still loving you, than BRIBE you with flatter ( the common thing in this world) for your trust. He keeps his word in his innermost places, were absolutely none can alter it. I love him.
I have since learned Never to unite God's people outside the love he brought us in Christ. It is a shame for one who has known him to keep wasting time for God's elect. I learned never to cherish the 'unity' brought about by this perverse and corrupt generation! I found a freedom i never had. Shame on the evil one!
The next four months i spent in hiding. All i did was go to work, as i had to be attached for that whole year. So i met new friends, i liked it! Yet i knew that i had a Job to accomplish. I remember one day, i had not been able to reveal my faith for so long; and so the people i worked with did not see God in what i did, but they saw me. I knew this was dangerous. This is where feelings of anger, jealousy, shame, inferiority and lust crop up.
On this particular day, i needed some form of relief. So i pulled out my music. As much as i knew this was detrimental to my social health; how i interact, i knew this was a breakthrough in my faith. Up to then, i had not faced challenges. But i knew i had to stick to God. I tell you from that time i had to endure many afflictions. I remember listening to one preachers sermon those days, saying; "........do not be disturbed when they do not recognize the good work you're doing..............". I was trying hard to be good, responsible and respectful. Yet i suffered. Why? Because i had shown my colors!
I decided to move on, finding another home. This time i had to stick to God from step 1. Either i leave or stay with God. I resolved not to attempt to find solace in others, nor try to please anyone other than God. For i new my life was under haunt. I had to take care of my paths. Of course the first few days where not so rosy. I was very alone; but i could feel the friendship the Father had with me. I pushed and pressed forward to challenge this moment in my life where i had the chance to be who i really saw myself as being.
I remember thinking of the story of Isaac, how he was an apparent replica of his father Abraham. Yet in his case, God had already discovered a character in him through his father. Thus God expected fruits from Isaac, as much as he wanted to give him the promise. I realized how this was working in my life. I had gone the extra mile to be taught by God the things which were to come. So i knew that this time i had to give some fruit back into his coffers. I had to be the man i was being made to be the whole 1yr 4months that i had been stuck to God.
Success was as easy to get as failure. Either i would be shamed or be exalted. I wanted to strive for the best because i knew God was so close to me than he was far away. I remember reading this verse in
31:17 Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave.
Shame was my greatest fear, for i didn't want to trust God in vain.
Two months down the line, i could lift my head up in God's glory; when i looked back at the time passed, i shook my head in dis-belief (that however translated to trust in God). How had i passed so many obstacles to come to where i was then. I could not remember a time when i had failed to call on Him; or call on him and see Him fail. Work was good, yet the realization that this was only a passing phase had to stick to my heart and my mind. I sought a city with foundations, so i resolved to figuratively stay in tents wherever i was, whatever i did. I could not afford to forsook my destiny for what came by on the way to it.
So new friends came along, and i had to nurse some bad patches that came with disappointments. I remember a boss who was so hard; two in fact, that had a strict way of doing things, yet i kept reminding myself that even though i was on earth, or on this job, it was only for a little while. It was never going to be for too long, and so i could endure. I told myself that as much as i was on this job, i was on God's payroll, not any man's payroll. As i remember that as a kid i had always wished to be a sower and not a seller; i wished to reap and not to profit. Yet this time, even though i knew there was profit in God's work, i still expected his mercy with fear and reverence.
As time passed by, i could see the future ahead of me as bleak as the darkest night, yet the faith grew with the night. for they say that it is darkest near dawn, so i received this with appreciation, looking forward to the morning that was more nearer than ever before. The rising was so imminent, and i had to brace for the coming season. I remember also how i wanted so much to abstain from food, and by happenstance, the food around me dried up. People near me thought i was in travail' yet not for a second did i stop to press for the Lord's reach blessings. This was given me to praise, to want and indeed to challenge!
Next up, i was going to cruise through the test of time. I knew that settling into a new community would mean that God would find me fit for new Godly challenges. So i braced for it. I prayed and i prayed, waiting for the worse day; the day the test would come. As a child of God, i did not expect to go through nothing; rather, i expected to go through anything, but through all that, i wanted to move with God. And so i did.
Feelings of rejection, like at the previous workplace, feelings of dejection, thoughts of quitting and feelings of letting go clouded up. Obviously, in these kind of situations, there come people or things that deceive you to find sollace in them, in the process forgetting God!
Forgetting God in this case may appear a careless thought, but in most cases we ask ourselves who or what is to get us out of problems we find ourselves in. I've realised that the human mind is so shallow that it forgets the strengths of miracles in a day. The following morning, after God has done something for you, its so easy to get so carried away that you forget God, but if we keep in prayer, we overcome this! And so i did.
Again, i prayed and i prayed, staying focused on the heavenly gift of love and grace, righteousness and perseverance; these are the things that push our faith foward. To this day i tell you, i love God; not by words, but by my inner soul, i really do and i want to say thank you Lord for dying and showing me the way!