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BABY STEPS TO COMMITMENT
by Laraine Hemrick Horney 
06/05/10
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I used to have a huge issue with commitment. Whenever I faced a situation that I deemed was asking for something medium to long range in the area of commitment, I would literally break out in a cold sweat, and begin to feel trapped. I talked myself out of many things because of this fear.

It involved decisions on jobs, looking for apartments, relationships, marriage, and even the decision to parent or not to parent. I even used to kid myself that I should never date twins because it would involve a decision – a commitment to one and a rejection of the other. Funny, but not really.

Finally I married, and about six months later we decided to try and get pregnant. However, when I became pregnant, I freaked out. I was not ready. That old nagging fear overtook me again and I found myself feeling trapped and anxious, unready for this commitment. I thought about the endless years ahead of being on duty 24/7…like I had accepted a job with no experience to speak of. Then, I miscarried, and I had to come face to face with my fears – did God hear my fear and take this child? Did I in some way wish it dead? Would I ever be able to become a parent – so many questions, so much anxiety.

Finally, the Lord just gently said “Can you commit to Me?- commit each day, and trust that I will be there to help you through.” He promised that would give me the strength, the wisdom, the courage, and the creativity to do all that He asked of me. He was asking me for a commitment to Himself. Now that I could do, because really, when you analyze it, you realize that the Creator of the Universe is never going to let you down. Leaning on Him is a win/win situation.

Was parenting ever difficult? You bet! Did I ever feel overwhelmed and underqualified? Often! Did I ever long for the days of childlessness? Only traces of times here and there – usually on the heels of a stress point or challenge – but that thinking would always require imagining life without that child – and honestly, once they are there, in your heart and life, you cannot ever imagine life without them again.



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