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The NEEEEW Testament
by Jonathan Boustead
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A Storyteller is sat on a chair centre stage. She is holding an unmarked children's book.

STORYTELLER Good evening Church. I've got a wonderful story to tell you today. It's one we all know and love, but I've a feeling this time it's going to be...extra special. Excellent, so are we all sitting comfortably? Good (singling someone out) ah, finger out your nose please. Thank you...(deep breath) So children, I mean Church...(she smiles) This story is a special story. A special story for special people, like you and me...It's a story that has been adapted from another book. An old and ambiguous book called 'The Holy Bible'. A book so old and so mysterious, that it has become a collectable. Some would even say it was an antique. This means that it's so old, that it has become very valuable. You would be very lucky to come across one of these books today, but I have heard that some people still own a copy. Perhaps some of your grandparents have one tucked away in the attic, or gathering dust on the bookshelf...The Bible was once widely known and accepted among men and women as 'the Word of God'. That means that many people, believed that the Holy Bible was God's Word to us. A personal letter, if you like. Or a series of letters, to the people of earth. Instructing us on certain things, and guiding us in ways that were slightly beyond us...it was a difficult book to understand, and it contained some strange and unreasonable things that we call 'commandments'. This made many people quite unhappy. They started to question why God would confuse the ones he loved, and said 'if he loves us', which He does, 'then why won't He let us live our lives our way?' 'Why on earth would God confuse and upset the ones He loves?'...And that, boys and girls, is where my wonderful story comes in.

She gets the book ready.

It is a beautiful story about the life of a very special and beautiful man, called Jesus Christ. And it begins in what became the most openly accepted, and most commonly referenced part of that old and mysterious 'Holy Bible' The 'The New Testament'. And so let's call this story...(she thinks) The New New Testament...or even better...The Neeeew Testament...are we comfortable? Lovely.

She turns the page.

The Neeeew Testament of our friend Jesus Christ...Once upon a time, in the beginning, was the Word. And the Word was with God, and the Word was God...all things were made by Him, and without Him nothing was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And this light exposed the darkness in people's hearts, but the people could not understand Him...

She turns a page.

Something had to be done. Up until now, mankind had no hope in Heaven, because of the darkness that lay deep within their hearts. 'What will I do?' said God. 'It's not their fault. How can I let them continue living the way they want to live, but also give them a chance in Heaven?'...Thankfully, this was not a problem...Seeing that our minds were small, God took pity on us and became one of us, in order that He could live amongst us, and love us personally. He did this in the form of Jesus Christ, saying 'If you can't beat them, join them'...and He did.

She turns a page.

Jesus walked on the earth, and taught the people all kinds of wonderful things. 'Do you believe that I have come to give you peace?' He asked the people 'Because I have. Peace for each and everyone of you'...Yes, Jesus was a man of peace, and greatness. So much so that many inspirational leaders have sought to follow his example. He was the nicest man you could ever wish to meet. Not everybody understood Him, but this didn't matter to Jesus. All He wanted was for them to see how much He loved them.

She turns a page.

Jesus was a beautiful man, with many magical and mysterious qualities: His smile was like watching a rainbow forming in the clearest of blue skies, and his voice was sweet and melodious like birdsong. When He walked it was like watching angels glide among clouds of the softest marshmallow. Everybody liked Jesus...

(to the audience) Now isn't that wonderful. I think you'd like Him too, if you knew Him like these people did, wouldn't you? I know I do. Yes...

She turns a page.

Once a week, Jesus would bake cookies and cakes for the townspeople, and feed hundreds of them all at once. Sometimes even thousands. A whole multitude! He always knew what they wanted. And always treated them with respect. He could often be caught dancing with the rabbits in the meadows, and planting flowers in the neighbour's gardens. 'That Jesus is a fine fellow' they would say. 'I've never met a man so sweet'. He truly was everybody's friend.

She turns a page.

A true humanitarian, Jesus would often come across people who were sick and he would heal them. He opened the eyes of the blind, and the ears of the deaf, and He even helped lame and old people to walk.

(to the audience) Some of you have badges for that one haven't you?

(reading) The religious hypocrits of the town would say that the people were sick because they had misbehaved, but Jesus knew better. And He would heal them anyway.

She turns a page.

Because He ignored the hypocrits, they started to write nasty rumours about our friend Jesus.

(to the audience) Some of these are mentioned in that old book, 'The Bible', which we mentioned at the beginning, remember?...

(reading) They started to say that Jesus was behaving out of character. In ways that the Jesus we all know and love would certainly not behave. They said that, not once, but twice Jesus got upset in the House of God.

(to audience) This was the temple. The place where Jesus would go to teach and worship God can you imagine Him getting angry in a place of peace? Especially when He came to bring peace...I don't think so.

She turns a page.

They said that the townspeople were buying and selling in the temple, and that Jesus didn't like this. So he got mad and started throwing them out, and turning the tables over with a whip...

(to audience) Now do we really believe Jesus would tell people off for making a living? Especially with a whip! Even if it was in the temple of God, this was one of the busiest places, wasn't it? Where else would they go.

(reading) When the local people heard of this, they started to question Jesus...'How odd' they whispered. 'That's not the Jesus I know', added another. And indeed, it wasn't the Jesus they knew.

(looking out to audience) And it's not the Jesus we know, is it? No.

(Reading) The rumours got worse however, and it was soon said that Jesus began saying things without thinking, like 'Repent!'


'How strange', the people thought. 'Go and sin no more!'


This really confused a lot of people, which is not what Jesus wanted.

She turns a page.

Some people found the lies a bit much. Many believed them. So they turned away from Jesus because of what they had heard...see, how could it have been true? Why would our friend Jesus say things that would turn people against Him?...Fortunately, others decided to focus on what was most important: His Kindness, His Grace, and His love. This was all that mattered for them. And it should be all that matters to us...The End.

She closes the book.

What a nice story.

Jonathan Boustead 2010


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