She sits alone, pondering over her life. Alone in the midst of chaos and discontent. Why are these things happening to me and why does the pain continue to grow, she wonders once again.
She wants desperately for someone to show they care, but they do not. She secludes herself from others because she is in pain and feels abandoned. Is this abandonment a pattern from her past, she often wonders. Nobody else ever seems to care. She is always there for them, but they don't reciprocate when she is in need. "Why don't they, God, why don't they?" she cries out.
Others need her. They reach to her and pour their problems onto her heart and cry tears upon her shoulder. She bears the burdens of their hearts. She questions them over their hurts and gives herself to be completely available for their needs. They go to her when they are troubled.
She is troubled now and alone. Where are they now? She wants to cry out but withdraws instead. Do they even know her pains, she feels deeply hurt. She feels like the giver and they all take advantage of her giving ways. She doesn't want to be the taker, it's just not like her. Again, she wonders, is this a pattern from her past.
Temptations and struggles continue to tug at her weaknesses. She can't hold on much longer because it is overwhelming. Others continue to hurt her in ways that they have always done. Why do they continue to hurt her so much when they should be showing her love. She struggles with their continued betrayals. She can never trust them to stop repeating the same patterns of the past. They refuse to respect her boundaries and push her again, hurting her very heart.
She needs an angel to shine upon the very essence of her being. Where is her angel, she wonders. She is so blinded by the heartache, betrayals of trust, trampling of boundaries, and continued inner torment over these issues that it is hard to see any light through the darkness. Why me? What do you want, God? What is my lesson, she wonders.
She feels God has shown her signs and lead her to reach out to others. One of the signs she sees over and over again is hearts. Hearts have caused her to reach out to others many times when they were in need.
This time she isn't the one reaching out, instead, a friend sees a heart and reaches out to her. She doesn't completely understand because she is so accustomed to being the giver and not the receiver. Her friend tells her of the heart leaf that appeared that caused her to reach out. The heart leaf is a sign that God has sent one of his angels to shine her way. There is hope for her heart and inner strength will come as she walks out of the darkness guided by her angels light.
Copyright 2004, Ann Marie "Ree" Brown, all rights reserved.
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