Faith
Dear God,
I apologize. I have been lax in communicating with You again. I pray for Your forgiveness for any and all sins that I have committed against You, others and myself. I know that You love me and that should suffice. However, it feels as though You are still distant from me and I don’t recognize what is interfering with our relationship. Please show me. Every step that I try seems to backfire sevenfold. Certain people in my life tell me to have faith and I do, but the internal pain and uncertainty I currently feel almost seems overbearing! I am ever so close to just giving up. Family members have turned their backs on me, continue to lie when it is so much easier to just be truthful, and friends--well, I don’t think that I have any as they seemed to have abandoned me as well. Various managers and supervisors have used me to get ahead. Teachers in the past have flatly stated that I will not go as far as I could. The terrible thing is that after being told this from the earliest of age and on so many occasions, I have come to believe it. I simply do not know how to climb out of this.
I understand that sin is sin. But how can it be that so many other people succeed at the expense of others? When will You say that “enough is enough”? Surely the time has come? I understand that I have played a minor role as I was always led to believe that I had to work myself to an early death in order to succeed. I understand that I have not made a major contribution to humanity. However, I have never been allowed the opportunity to just sit all day and think of new ideas and when I did, I certainly never had support or resources in order to implement them. An example of what I have received has been an Engineer taking credit for my work right in front of me! Yet a different type of Engineer got very defensive with me and insulted me when I suggested that he was in error--as it turns out, I was correct but had to spend $1800 that I could ill-afford in order to prevent any more damage due to the man’s error. And what lesson do I learn when I am the one terminated and prevented from advancing or when cops are called in order to intimidate me for no reason? No, too many people wish for me to just “love my enemies” and I ask just exactly why I should do that at my own peril? Can’t You see why I am confused?
Lord, who is investing in me--I pray that it is You? I try not to harm anybody, but the psychological warfare is just as bad as physical warfare--if not worse. I wish to move on and be able to see the world in which I live. I feel like a permanent prisoner. Please do not think me a constant complainer or of having too much bitterness in my heart. I do not feel this within. No, I just write this to You in way of yet another means of praying to You. I realize that You already know what is in my heart. I am no pillar of beauty and I will probably never live up to the standards that You set. Oh, I would like to, but I just don’t know how. I have never had a personal mentor or rabbi in my life insofar as I could recognize that person. I just hope that You read this and consider my words to You. I do not expect anything other than what You feel I need. Well, I hope to write to You again soon.
Love Always,
Daniel
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Don't worry, you're not alone in this place. I know how it feels. When times get tough, there's only one way out: God. Life is a series of bumps, bruises, and big surprises--so long as we don't miss the good stuff by the overpowering pain of bumps and bruises, right? Well, just want to say...keep hanging in there--God won't let the life-ropes let you go! And--about "loving enemies"...I guess we gotta keep doing that even if we don't feel like it.
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