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Silence
by Rebekah Snyder
04/08/10
Not For Sale
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The soft breeze tugged at my hair, the scent of honeysuckle tickled my nose. The sweet melody of chirping birds seemed to mock me. How could there be joy in the midst of this misery? I plopped down in the grass at the base of a large oak tree, not caring that the moist soil would stick to the butt of my blue jeans. That was the least of my concerns. Dozens of people milled about the park, each too busy tending to their own affairs to notice this miserable sixteen-year-old girl.

How had I come to this place? I had always been a “good girl” or so they said. The model child and model Christian. I was the girl everyone looked up to, revered and admired. I had worked hard to make myself worthy of such a title. And then a few weeks ago, I went wrong. So wrong, perhaps, that I probably won't be right about anything for three years. I'm not talking about a little sin. I'm talking about the big “No.” The one that they write all the books about and preach all the sermons on and run big campaigns proclaiming “True Love Waits!” We were going to wait. I don't even know how it happened, but one day it did. Suddenly I knew what Adam and Eve had felt in the Garden of Eden after they had bit into the fruit. It was ugly and nothing that I ever wanted to feel again.

So we didn't let it happen again, deciding that no one would ever know our shame. But as it turns out, this whole affair involved more than two people. As I just found out today, there was a third. I've been told that the movement of a baby inside you feels like butterfly wings, but the despair that clenches in my gut is much heavier than that. I thought I could keep on living the lie – pretending that nothing happened. But this... This changes things. Even though my child has no voice, the fact that it exists speaks louder than a scream. I can hear them now – the thousand voices shouting my demise. It sounds almost as I've always imagined the crowd that demanded, “Crucify!” Yet I hear a voice that tells me I don't have to go through with this humiliation, that I can still keep my secret. The cost may be great and there will be even more secrets to keep, but if I'm the only one who knows, what have I to be concerned about? This offer is more alluring than I can bear.

If I only obey, all my world will ever know is silence.

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