Let's face it the past few months have been very difficult ones for me. I am 32 year old man suffering from both Parkinson's and manic depression. My life was (and sometimes still is) an emotional roller coaster. I felt as though my soul was betraying me.
The weekend of November the 29th I almost committed suicide. I was not exactly sure what my plan was or how I wanted to execute it, but I knew one thing I wanted out. As a Christian I grapple with why I was feeling this way. The one constant source of strength in my life is faith in Jesus Christ. So what happened that caused me to forget that I could lean on the Lord when I needed to? I honestly don't know. As I drove into the dark and dilapidated streets of North Philadelphia, I began to devise my plan. Looking back I don't fully understand what drove me to that point, all I do know is that God was there even if I did not feel him, because I am able to sit down and actually get this out.
There has been a lot of pain in my life because I have a very low self image of myself. I feel like I am also a burden to those around me. I don't fully understand why I am able to be loved, but God teaches that we are all worthy in his eyes. My condition (both physical and emotionally) was getting worse. I never seriously contemplated suicide until that weekend. The plan was for me to steal my wife's credit card, and use it to purchase a gun.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful support system who loved me so much that they were in their cars looking for me, they took it upon themselves to do this. God sent them as His way of showing me that He is still there to hold my hand when I need Him to.
It has been a long road back for me, coping with mental illness as well as with the Parkinson's disease, but although i tend to stray I know that God has a plan for me. I know that my life was not to end that weekend. The healing touch of the Holy one taught me that. I am reminded of Psalm 123: The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want...
Than in December, another bout with depression followed. I was angry at life, angry at my wife, angry with the person who I was becoming. Why had God allowed me to slip so far? He never felt more distant to me than He did at that point. Actually, He was ever so close but I just was unable to feel him there.
I learned that God gives us pain to strengthen our character and help us to become more God-centered and less self serving. I look at things from a different perspective now. I was once the pinnacle of success enjoying the life i was leading. I was the counselor telling people how they should lead their lives but ignoring my own private pain. I was rudely awakened to the fact that the pain in my own life was leading me to do things I would not contemplate.
Today, I wake up to the dawning of a new day. The sun shines brightly each morning and shadows cascade across the room. They dance gloriously on the wall and God's radiance shines through the sunbeams. I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord. I also pray that "When God Throws us a Lemon Make Lemonade." Turn somethimg sour and into something sweet. Victory in Christ.