Wandering around her house in a daze, Diana passes the empty dog food dishes, the unused toys and the stacks of dusty old books on top of the vacant crate. She stopped to add one more book to the stack. It seems pointless to keep this stuff, but how can I part with it? It’s like part of the furniture, as they were part of the family and now are gone. Both of them…gone. Putting one foot in front of the other, just to stay breathing is about all she can manage these days. Performance at her job has suffered, friends barely call anymore but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t really have time for them. Not that she’s doing anything special; she’s just not up to socializing.
Realizing her dad was seriously ill, she prepared her heart for the worst. A week later, she began to help her mom plan his funeral. Not able to completely deal with her own grief, she went into action to help her mom; to be supportive, protective and administrative, whatever the need called for. Diana still reeling from the death of her best friend, now the loss of her dad and now worry about her mom began to struggle with her emotions. She was crying all the time at the drop of a hat, not really knowing why. Wondering where God was as she couldn’t tell.
People called to give their concern, but she didn’t connect with them. Diana missed several weeks of church because she just didn’t want to be around people. Feeling on thin ice, she returned as she remembered her first pastor tell her one time. “No matter what happens in your life…STAY IN CHURCH!” With that ringing in her head, she returned, and cried throughout the service. Finally, she stayed after and talked to her pastor.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me. I cry all the time. I don’t want to be here. Church seems to make things worse!”
“It’s okay. It’s called Grief. You have to go through the process and you are still going through it. You’ve had a double hit. And it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.”
He talked to her at great length and until she stopped crying. He hugged her and prayed for her. As she went home, she felt a new freedom. It was okay to grieve and this was what grief felt like.
You have expressed your feelings well. Keep writing about your grief, your feelings, your loved ones and the memories you have...writing will help you, it's so cathartic. Give yourself a break for being human. I have lost a brother in a plane crash, both my parents, my oldest friend from 5th grade, and various other people. Praying for you.
Words can never express the tears we shed in our time of grief. I will be praying for you, dear one, remember, God is only a whispered prayer away.... even if we can't fell Him, He is there, grieving for our pain.
Your pain shines through and I'm so sorry your heart is hurting. Jesus does know and is silently carrying you in His arms right now. Just don't give up.Your words will allow you to heal, just let them out as you've done here.