For me, even though I lived on my mid-20's I lived like an infant as if I did not know or did not understand anything. I whined in many things and was demanding for many things that seemed to dim and leads to nothing.
Living like this made me really blind and a numb person who only listened to my own opinion. And anywhere I go and even if I am getting older this thing seemed not to change. It goes with me and it is giving me a hard time to feel better and to trust what God has planned for me.
Reading the Purpose Driven Life helped me but sometimes I still doubted His plans. There are things that hanged me up, emotionally or socially. I focused on things that are not so necessary and it did not help me moved on. I was stock from there blaming and complaining for things and it make me curled up in a room corner to shed my tears.
It was difficult to live this life. I observed myself to be emotionally hurt, easily angered or being bothered by small things that leads to bigger things. It has pattern that I cannot avoid to take place into my life. From there I started to fall many times.. And that many times I lived in a dim shadow. My burden gets heavier than it usually was. I take my problems with me solely and I don't tend to open it up because I completely lost my trust on some peers.
I know it was a hard time for me and the great accuser is always there to accuse me and to stop me from growing. He uses situations and some of my emotional hang ups to give in to arguments with some friends...and it gives me a hurtful feeling that they're questioning my Christian living. If I was true then I must not be like this or that. I must not act like a child because they're losing patience with me and so on.
I did not listen to the people I am having with; either I am the one who hurt them or the one being hurt. I always stormed and was giving into deep conversation, a furious conversation that will give them pain inside too. I felt bad when I cannot avoid those things. I was angered and I made them angry too. It became a routine and cannot be stopped at once. Some used my ‘Christian identity’ to hurt me and to tell me on how bad I’ve become.
At first, it prick like thorns and made me go limping. I seemed not to be moved, it hurts a lot and it fed up my mind not to go on and bear this identity. So it turned me to be worse. I feel so down and self pity is always taunting me. It dwells in me telling me not to move on but to give up on everything.
But there was a point in time when I realized that God allowed it to happen to make me I realize that I am still in the process of growing. I am not yet fully grown and this process doesn’t pass to the highway it is a long process, even if I give up, He never gives up on me. He was always there for me even if I will be left out. It is just me who seemed not to find grace on everything and could not stop comparing myself to others. I failed to see how much God loved me.
I am feeling so bad while realizing it. But I am happy now because I learned from this process and was aware that I must also be prepared on everything. To be alert to identify when the enemy attacks and also to find Him in times like that because failing to find Him or to move farther from Him would really made me nothing.
-CJ
March 31, 2010
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