I have been single for almost five years. That's not to say I haven't had the occasional relationship, but nothing serious. I often tell myself "Is this all there is? Am I meant to be alone?" I would look for dates in everyplace I could think of. Sometimes when I was a bit younger dare I say it, I was even looking for prostitutes. I sought love any way I could get it.
My Life at that point was not great. I was struggling with who I was as a man, A disease that to this day has no cure, and I was stuck in the throes of a loveless marriage. I wanted out and fast. No one seemed to care about me. I was truly alone. I felt like a failure. I know now that someone does love me and that it doesnt necessarily come from other people. I will get into that in a moment. First I need to finish setting the scene. Ok where was I? When I was younger I was not the most co-ordinated of children. While the other kids were more talented than me and I was always picked to be the last one on the team. When I played little league i was almost always pinch hit for. I could hit a little but not as well as my teamates. Once I even let the ball hit me so I could get on base. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to the others on the team but to me it was huge.
I would finally have something that others would be proud of. I need to be frankly honest here and say that I have endured many struggles throughout the course of my life. I started out as a child that was placed in foster care. I was sexually abused when I was in that care and I thought no one could ever love me. I was wrong. God loves me and he sent his Son Jesus Christ to die in my stead so that I may be made alive in Him and dead to Sin (See Ephesians 4). No matter what struggles I have or will endure (James 4 13-15), I can be assured that God will be there to provide the strength and courage to be victorious. I am ever praising Him in His Glory.
I didn't know God (By know I mean have relationship with Him) at the earliest juncture of my life. I had no idea that when I was adopted it was according to His plan and Purpose. Every Sunday from the time I was five until I was 17 or 18 I went to church. When I was a youth my parents and I would attend the pot luck dinners. My dad had many duties as he was the musical director of the church at that time. I went to Sunday school and learned about Jesus and his love. I didnt understand the full brevity of what all of it meant. I was not aware of what it meant to be "saved" to totally surrender myself to Jesus and live "In his Likeness." I learned that upon being baptized by the Holy Spirit. There are times still for me, when I am afraid to surrender entirely and I find myself succumbing to the ways of the flesh.
Anyway as I entered my teenage years I began to piece together the tapestry of what Jesus could do in my life. With him all things were indeed possible. I began to walk with a sense of purpose. Not knowing what lye ahead was a bit scary but here I was walking in faith. I did some pretty dumb things in my life. The dumbest were the times I found myself struggling in my faith. I look back now and realize Jesus was there, is here now, and will always be. When I struggle with my life I turn to the Bible for the support and guidance for my life. Looking to The Word regenerates my sense of purpose. You might say it is Gods calling for me to share this with all who read this. By the way if you find it to be a blessing, and I hope it is because God has given the voice to me to share my writing with you feel free to share this with others so it may be a blessing to them as well.
I was not always willing to listen to God or heed his call. I used to think that I was just a lone wayward traveler on the road of life. I was helpless and lost, but you know I have found that when I need Jesus to lift me up, His is the one constant. At times I become complacent in my worship and study of the Word. I realize I shouldnt, I try to set aside devotional time just for Jesus but there are times and I dont like to admit this, I would rather be doing something else. I think of how selfish I am. How could I not be willing to give my life to Him after being mocked and spat upon, hung on a cross to die. I am as blind as those who ordered His execution. For me that is a morsel I need to focus on. I have a Savior. On April 5th 1999 I accepted Him as Lord of my life and my relationship with Him and his unconditional love for me is the greatest love of all.
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