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A Cat'astophe
by George Parler 
02/23/10
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My bride was concerned that her cat, Abu, was not his normal chipper self. All he would do was lie there and make weird moaning sounds. Though I'm not a really a cat person at heart I do live with a charter member of the Humane Society. No matter how persistent she was, I was bound and determined to NOT get involved nor be concerned about a cat.

Soon finding myself surprisingly involved and concerned . . . I called the vet to ask him what to do for our poor ailing Abu. I told him all of the symptoms of our cat and that something was definitely wrong with him. He told me that it definitely sounded like a bad case of constipation. When I asked if I should bring him in, he said no because he had to go check on a sick horse at a ranch outside of town. He told me he would leave the medicine we would need with his receptionist with specific instructions on how to administer the medication and that we should do it as soon as possible.

So I drove to his office and the receptionist handed me a gallon jug of liquid and told me the doctor said that I should administer the entire contents all at once. "All of it?" I asked. She assured me that was exactly what the doctor said. So I figured, Oh well, he's the doctor. On the way home I attempted to devise a plan on how I was going to get Abu to go along with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

When I got home, I left the medicine in the garage and went inside to get the cat. I held Abu in my arms and told my bride not to worry because the doctor told me exactly what to do. With that I went into the garage, closing the door behind me.

In order to shorten the multi-facets of what happened next I'll just say that it was no easy task to say the least. It was like playing patty cake with Edward Scissorhands and trying to thread a sewing machine while it was running, all rolled into one.

Eventually I hog-tied Abu to the workbench, making sure he was secured. After using pressure bandages to stop my bleeding, I took a funnel and administered the entire contents as instructed by the vet. While I donít speak cat I could tell Abu was using extremely foul language. Then I released him from his bonds. Looking back, I can see where that wasnít the best idea that I ever had. I didn't know that cats could hold such grudges.

After hearing my screams for my mommy, my bride emptied a dry chemical fire extinguisher to get her cat off my head. I retreated inside the house where she attended to my many lacerations. I hate cats, I thought to myself as I licked duct tape trying to get cat hair off my tongue.

The next day I phoned Doctor Menard's office to find out if our cat could have had some type of reaction to the medication which could have made him act that way. But when I questioned him he didn't know what I was talking about. I reminded him that I was the one who called with the constipated cat and that he left a jug of medicine for me to pick up.

"CAT," he shouted. "Sir, I could have sworn that you said CALF!!!!! Where's your cat now?"

ďDoc, the last time I saw that bloomin' cat he was with five other cats. Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory."

All seriousness aside, I don't play veterinarian anymore. Uh-uh . . . Not even . . . No how . . . No way. That's why I now have a pet rock named . . . Rocky.


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Member Comments
Member Date
Frankie Conar  26 Jul 2010
I chose story because of the name A Cat'astophe, Iím a cat person but I loved your story. My sweet hubby is one who would rather not be involved. You guessed it. My cat chose him as her favorite person LOL! I hope this was not a true story but if it was did the poor cat survive?
Edy T Johnson  06 Jul 2010
So, THAT explains the pet rock! Funny story, which I hope has no basis in fact :) Uff da! I appreciate your sense of humor, and I also want to thank you for commenting on my "Falling Waters...." story.
Earl Taylor 23 Feb 2010
A classic!! Loved the lines "two were digging, two were covering it up, and one was scouting". As a non-cat lover myself, I felt your pain and your resolve not to be involved with a cat; and as a wearer of hearing aids, I KNOW what it feels like to mix up a calf with a cat! Great story... "Where is the cat now?"




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