Dear God, it has come to my attention that parents are no longer capable of cutting up food for their children, or monitoring what they eat. Our wonderful government has decided to add regulation to certain foods. Apples and grapes will be addressed first since they pose the greatest risks. The problem is that they just can’t seem to convince the mighty apple tree to grow fruit in quarter inch square skinless strips. You would think with all the genetic manipulation that is available to man that we could get a tree to grow just about anything we want, but it seems a child friendly apple eludes us. The same is true of the vine. For some reason, unbeknownst to our government, a grape will only grow in a roundish shape with a heavy skin surrounding the luscious fruit. So God, it you’re not too busy, please change the grape to grow in two halves with skin that sloughs off like a molting lizard and the apple to break open like and over ripe tangerine, falling into perfect spears, free from icky skin that would turn the noses of our precious little picky eaters. This will allow health conscious parents to plop their children down in from of the idiot box, formerly known as a television, hand them a bowl which has been thoroughly sterilized in a stainless steel dishwasher heated to four-hundred degrees, and pile it high with good nutritious apples and grapes. The parents would then be free to meddle in their friends’ lives, read the latest copy of People Magazine and dump a bag of frozen pasta and vegetables into a pan, sauté it for ten minutes and call it a gourmet dinner. –A concerned American
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