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5am ramblings
by mark mendenhall
02/22/04
For Sale
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From: "Mark Mendenhall"
To: "Mark Mendenhall"
Subject: 5am ramblings
Date: Sun, 22 Feb 2004 09:00:08 -0800
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Written straight through at 5am. No spell check, so you get it how I =
wrote it straight away and from the darkness.







I stood there at the gates of heaven waiting to get in. Or be told to go =
away. I used to say when I died i didn't want any excuses for what I'd =
done. So one day I found myself standing at those golden =
gates..........waiting. hours passed and then the gates slowly opened. =
God walked through. he wore a white robe and had long dark hair. His =
dark hair and beard made me uneasy. He just stood there behind those =
dark glasses. He remained motionless for an eternity. I nodded once to =
show him I was paying attention. He removed his glasses. His eyes were =
warm and yet penetrated me til I could hardly breathe.=20

God:What were you thinking?

Me: Which time?

A large pool of water appeared between us both. The water swirled and =
lost its shape. God began to replay every moment in my life. I looked up =
at him. and then noticed all around me were friends and family from =
every point in my life. They were watching this horrid display of a life =
I had led. The display paused.

God:Here, this time, when you were 5. What do you have to say?

Looking at some distant decision I had made, and realizing each choice =
in life had been mine, and starting early I was to have learned how to =
make choices wiser each day. I nervously shook my head,..........

Me:I don't know.=20

God: Well I want to discuss these choices with you. Each choice with you =
that you made.

Me: We are going to be here awhile aren't we?

The pool went into motion again. Every moment I was alone was on =
display. Every second hand thought I ever gave, every distraction in =
life that I strayed into was there for all to see. I stopped being =
embarrassed after the first 2 hours.

We sifted through images both glorious and appalling. God brought out =
file after file of promises I had made and never kept. Replays of audio =
from phone conversations, plotting,planning, we discussed at length. 200 =
days passed and I still stood before this pool. The onlookers that were =
had interest grew to an unbelievable number. God paused. The timer on =
the pool read 1983.

Me: You have got to be kidding!

God: Quite a lot of controversy before you finished Jr. High isn't it?

Me: I am sure you have a point to all this. But If I am already dead, =
humility, embarrassment, or time to correct these actions is a little =
late isn't it?=20

God:Well, I am looking for the point when you grew up. I am trying to =
find reasons to let you in. At what point did you actually turn back to =
me and give me some effort to trying to do what I wanted?

Me:I don't know.

I was trying to come up with something. Anything. I thought I would turn =
it around.

Me:Well, let me ask you a question God. It isn't like you gave me a =
path. I mean, you started me of with the cards stacked against me pretty =
hard.

He began to speak, and I interrupted. "No, don't tell me you never gave =
me more than I could handle. Man, if that were true nobody would ever =
sin."

God: I was going to tell you. you simply chose the easy way out of =
things and never struggled through what I gave you as a challenge.

Me: So what! I see what happens to those who pass the test. you just =
give them another test, then another. each one harder than the first =
one.=20

God: so, if you had it to do over again, you would still do things the =
same way?

Me:I didn't say that. I am saying that why push yourself into harder =
circumstances.

God:Let me tell you how it works around here. (staring hard at me) I =
keep making the same test harder each time. Until you are down on your =
hands and knees with nothing.Until you learn that one lesson I am trying =
to get you through. Then we move on to another. You choose to suffer for =
the moment and move on or you choose the easy answer and then I come =
back again with a harder test until you get it. Get it???!!!

I stood there silent. All eyes were on me.

Me:Yes, I get it. So what do I do now? We can pretty much assume that 8 =
times out of 10 I didn't make the right choices. So if you say I had =
14,000 lessons and I failed at most of them.......... what? OK, so I =
don't get in right?=20

God:Ok, let's work the problem backwards. Tell me why I should let you =
in? Since the list of why to NOT let you in seems a bit on the long =
side, I would have to assume the short list of what you did correctly =
should speed things along.=20

He stepped back and the onlookers took their sites on me. I again was =
speechless. Images in my mind raced for something to offer. Everything =
that I could come up with as an accomplishment seemed to be trivial in =
regards to getting into heaven. A few thoughts came to the front of my =
mind, and as he looked at me and shook his head slowly I knew they would =
count for nothing.=20

Me:You know this is stupid. Why don't you just tell me what I was =
supposed to do so I can say I'm sorry and we can get on with the ass =
kicking that I already know is coming.

God: Well, like I said, show me something. Show me a consistent effort =
to follow me. I am not saying you turned to a preacher and led others =
along to me. But show me where you had some conscious effort to do the =
right things at any cost. I mean you had 36 years to just get started. =
If you had even begun last week with a whole heart, I would have =
something to work with. But these half hearted attempts at reading my =
book when you were down and out hardly qualify as a genuine effort.=20

I could find nothing. the pool raced back and forth along my lifeline. =
Glimmers of passion to the word of God seemed to be swallowed up by =
selfishness and darkness. he let me wander through my life for hours. =
But in the end no words came to mind to explain my position on anything =
I had done.

Me:OK, I get it! I blew it. I had all those years to try and turn it =
around. To start to turn it around. But why tell me now? What the hell =
can I do about it now? I mean we could have summed this up in a few hour =
conversation if you wanted to. You could have just sat me down and =
said,"Hey man, your dead! Now I looked at your records and I don't see =
much here that looks promising. If you want into heaven,give a little =
something to go with here" I could have told you I didn't have any new =
information and we could have spared us all a lot of time, and me a lot =
of heartache realizing I lost my chance. You could have spared me the =
frustrations of having to look at a life wasted and gone by for nothing. =
You could have saved me the embarrassment of this whole ordeal. And =
finally, the sick to my gut feeling that I now have knowing that I could =
have turned it around at anytime and done the right thing. But as usual =
I am a day late and a dollar short. So, dear Lord, if you are just going =
to stand there and stare at me. If you are going to give me no =
explanations. if you are just going to mock my new found suffering. let =
me ask you one thing. One question before you toss me down into the =
fires of hell itself........

What is the lesson?!? Why tell me all this and point out all my failures =
and show me how close I came to heaven just to be cast away like trash? =
I mean, why do all this if I am dead?

He took his glasses off and I could see the anger in his eyes.

God:You idiot. Who said you were dead!

I woke up in a sweat. Tears running down my face. It was midnight. My =
heart was racing. I was weak, like I had not eaten in days. I looked out =
my window at the city that was still racing by. I reached to my =
nightstand for my smokes. My hand stopped and I reached down and opened =
the drawer. There was my bible. I picked it up. I opened it up to the =
front inside cover. There was a small picture of dark glasses and a =
small script that had never been there before..............

" LOL......... You idiot! Now go. And the next time we talk I expect you =
to be able to hold up your part of the conversation"


------=_NextPart_000_0007_01C3F922.45822FF0
Content-Type: text/html;
charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable



charset=3Diso-8859-1">




size=3D2>

Written straight through at 5am. No spell check, so you get it how I =
wrote it=20
straight away and from the darkness.

 

 

 

I stood there at the gates of heaven waiting to get in. Or be told to =
go=20
away. I used to say when I died i didn't want any excuses for what I'd =
done. So=20
one day I found myself standing at those golden gates..........waiting. =
hours=20
passed and then the gates slowly opened. God walked through. he wore a =
white=20
robe and had long dark hair. His dark hair and beard made me uneasy. He =
just=20
stood there behind those dark glasses. He remained motionless for an =
eternity. I=20
nodded once to show him I was paying attention. He removed his glasses. =
His eyes=20
were warm and yet penetrated me til I could hardly breathe.

God:What were you thinking?

Me: Which time?

A large pool of water appeared between us both. The water swirled and =
lost=20
its shape. God began to replay every moment in my life. I looked up at =
him. and=20
then noticed all around me were friends and family from every point in =
my life.=20
They were watching this horrid display of a life I had led. The display=20
paused.

God:Here, this time, when you were 5. What do you have to say?

Looking at some distant decision I had made, and realizing each =
choice in=20
life had been mine, and starting early I was to have learned how to make =
choices=20
wiser each day. I nervously shook my head,..........

Me:I don't know.

God: Well I want to discuss these choices with you. Each choice with =
you that=20
you made.

Me: We are going to be here awhile aren't we?

The pool went into motion again. Every moment I was alone was on =
display.=20
Every second hand thought I ever gave, every distraction in life that I =
strayed=20
into was there for all to see. I stopped being embarrassed after the =
first 2=20
hours.

We sifted through images both glorious and appalling. God brought out =
file=20
after file of promises I had made and never kept. Replays of audio from =
phone=20
conversations, plotting,planning, we discussed at length. 200 days =
passed and I=20
still stood before this pool. The onlookers that were had interest grew =
to an=20
unbelievable number. God paused. The timer on the pool read 1983.

Me: You have got to be kidding!

God: Quite a lot of controversy before you finished Jr. High isn't =
it?

Me: I am sure you have a point to all this. But If I am already dead, =

humility, embarrassment, or time to correct these actions is a little =
late isn't=20
it?

God:Well, I am looking for the point when you grew up. I am trying to =
find=20
reasons to let you in. At what point did you actually turn back to me =
and give=20
me some effort to trying to do what I wanted?

Me:I don't know.

I was trying to come up with something. Anything. I thought I would =
turn it=20
around.

Me:Well, let me ask you a question God. It isn't like you gave me a =
path. I=20
mean, you started me of with the cards stacked against me pretty =
hard.

He began to speak, and I interrupted. "No, don't tell me you never =
gave me=20
more than I could handle. Man, if that were true nobody would ever =
sin."

God: I was going to tell you. you simply chose the easy way out of =
things and=20
never struggled through what I gave you as a challenge.

Me: So what! I see what happens to those who pass the test. you just =
give=20
them another test, then another. each one harder than the first one. =

God: so, if you had it to do over again, you would still do things =
the same=20
way?

Me:I didn't say that. I am saying that why push yourself into harder=20
circumstances.

God:Let me tell you how it works around here. (staring hard at me) I =
keep=20
making the same test harder each time. Until you are down on your hands =
and=20
knees with nothing.Until you learn that one lesson I am trying to get =
you=20
through. Then we move on to another. You choose to suffer for the moment =
and=20
move on or you choose the easy answer and then I come back again with a =
harder=20
test until you get it. Get it???!!!

I stood there silent. All eyes were on me.

Me:Yes, I get it. So what do I do now? We can pretty much assume that =
8 times=20
out of 10 I didn't make the right choices. So if you say I had 14,000 =
lessons=20
and I failed at most of them.......... what? OK, so I don't get in =
right?

God:Ok, let's work the problem backwards. Tell me why I should let =
you in?=20
Since the list of why to NOT let you in seems a bit on the long side, I =
would=20
have to assume the short list of what you did correctly should speed =
things=20
along.

He stepped back and the onlookers took their sites on me. I again was =

speechless. Images in my mind raced for something to offer. Everything =
that I=20
could come up with as an accomplishment seemed to be trivial in regards =
to=20
getting into heaven. A few thoughts came to the front of my mind, and as =
he=20
looked at me and shook his head slowly I knew they would count for =
nothing.

Me:You know this is stupid. Why don't you just tell me what I was =
supposed to=20
do so I can say I'm sorry and we can get on with the ass kicking that I =
already=20
know is coming.

God: Well, like I said, show me something. Show me a consistent =
effort to=20
follow me. I am not saying you turned to a preacher and led others along =
to me.=20
But show me where you had some conscious effort to do the right things =
at any=20
cost. I mean you had 36 years to just get started. If you had even begun =
last=20
week with a whole heart, I would have something to work with. But these =
half=20
hearted attempts at reading my book when you were down and out hardly =
qualify as=20
a genuine effort.

I could find nothing. the pool raced back and forth along my =
lifeline.=20
Glimmers of passion to the word of God seemed to be swallowed up by =
selfishness=20
and darkness. he let me wander through my life for hours. But in the end =
no=20
words came to mind to explain my position on anything I had done.

Me:OK, I get it! I blew it. I had all those years to try and turn it =
around.=20
To start to turn it around. But why tell me now? What the hell can I do =
about it=20
now? I mean we could have summed this up in a few hour conversation if =
you=20
wanted to. You could have just sat me down and said,"Hey man, your dead! =
Now I=20
looked at your records and I don't see much here that looks promising. =
If you=20
want into heaven,give a little something to go with here" I could have =
told you=20
I didn't have any new information and we could have spared us all a lot =
of time,=20
and me a lot of heartache realizing I lost my chance. You could have =
spared me=20
the frustrations of having to look at a life wasted and gone by for =
nothing. You=20
could have saved me the embarrassment of this whole ordeal. And finally, =
the=20
sick to my gut feeling that I now have knowing that I could have turned =
it=20
around at anytime and done the right thing. But as usual I am a day late =
and a=20
dollar short. So, dear Lord, if you are just going to stand there and =
stare at=20
me. If you are going to give me no explanations. if you are just going =
to mock=20
my new found suffering. let me ask you one thing. One question before =
you toss=20
me down into the fires of hell itself........

What is the lesson?!? Why tell me all this and point out all my =
failures and=20
show me how close I came to heaven just to be cast away like trash? I =
mean, why=20
do all this if I am dead?

He took his glasses off and I could see the anger in his eyes.

God:You idiot. Who said you were dead!

I woke up in a sweat. Tears running down my face. It was midnight. My =
heart=20
was racing. I was weak, like I had not eaten in days. I looked out my =
window at=20
the city that was still racing by. I reached to my nightstand for my =
smokes. My=20
hand stopped and I reached down and opened the drawer. There was my =
bible. I=20
picked it up. I opened it up to the front inside cover. There was a =
small=20
picture of dark glasses and a small script that had never been there=20
before..............

" LOL......... You idiot! Now go. And the next time we talk I expect =
you to=20
be able to hold up your part of the conversation"



------=_NextPart_000_0007_01C3F922.45822FF0--



If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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