There is so much to think about. Where Iím meant to be, how Iíll ever get there; I have so many doubts that even if God put up a neon sign, I think Iíd question it. This unsettled resolve of who Iíll never be and what I havenít done yet is like drowning in a cup of water; it can kill you , but only if you swallow it.
I think Iíll drive. Maybe take that 20 minute trip out to my friends house in the mountains. Maybe the focus on how fast Iím taking that 35mph turn while listening to whatever keeps me singing will let my thoughts chill out. The things I take for granted disgust me, interrupt my search for peace. I see real hurt and pain every day, itís hard to view anything I feel as unselfish. Somehow hard to it see it as selfish, too.
Watching my best friend with her three kids and job and husband and everything else she does, helps me realize what life is about. Funny how the very things a single person spends a good deal of there life getting, arenít answers to the questions or needs, but often another journey to take us to an end we cannot see. We both grew up in strict Baptist homes, both wrestle with grace and rules and pants and love. Weíll bring out the Bibles and the southern iced tea. Iíll cry and complain and cry because I complained, and she will do the same. We will turn it over to God, agree to pray more for the other. Iíll hug her kids and see their toys and listen to their stories. Iíll joke with her husband, grab my keys and head back into town.
And then the day wonít seem so bad. Travis Trittís ĎGreat Day to be Aliveí, will seem a little more like my life, Kid Rockís, ĎPicturesĎ will seem a little less like my life and maybe I can break through to where God is. I know He is bigger than my frustrations (I thank Him everyday!), and bigger than my fears. But sometimes, He doesnít seem bigger than me.
So on my way home I hit an old dirt road seldom used , open my Bible and let Christ drown out what anyone has told me. And I try to believe that one could love me so much. Especially God- Heís seen everything and knows the truth about me. And so I cry again. God tells me everyday how much He loves me. He loves me just as I am, but He will not leave me there. That disturbs and yet somehow comforts me; He will call it sin, and then it can be forgiven, I will lose my excuses, but also lose my guilt. And, at the end of every crazy day, I will hear and say, I love you.
Ok. Sarah. I say again, you are an excellent writer. No, I'll go one step further. You are a gifted writer. The enemy of your soul has obviously thought he had you in his grip, but, my friend, God is going to take all the garbage that you've had to accept, and he is going to use you in a mighty and glorious way. I would prefer to send this through email, but I don't see one on here. You are a jewel, chosen of God, to shine and sparkle for him. When we lay it all at his feet in surrender, he takes it all and from the ashes he brings forth a beautiful crucible.....and all for his glory! So many are hurting, beating upon themselves for the things they've had no control over. It is time to arise, my friend, and dance in the light! (Well, God forbid that I have spoken things I've had no authority to speak. But when my spirit get stirred, the words fly.) I love you in the Lord, and will pray that I see your writings posted again. I look forward to them. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org 9Barbara)
28 Feb 2004
Yes, God does tells us every day that He loves us ... if only we'd pause to listen! Enjoyed this article, loved your final paragraph, part of which I feel compelled to quote here:
"He loves me just as I am, but He will not leave me there. That disturbs and yet somehow comforts me; He will call it sin, and then it can be forgiven, I will lose my excuses, but also lose my guilt. And, at the end of every crazy day, I will hear and say, I love you."