#1 "Once upon a time there was a man, he lived and then he died; here's what happened in between..."
#2 "I would like to tell you a story. If others would hear tell of this story, they would remark, 'That sounds like it came out of a book!'"
#3 "In the beginning is our character. Though for him it wasn't the beginning, for his beginning began earlier than this beginning, but this is the beginning of the story which we will tell of this man with earlier beginnings. To begin..."
#4 "In this small town for which there was nothing remarkable about it (Author: Am I boring you yet? Lemme know if I am, okay?) and nothing of note is there to report about its people (Author: Don't be polite either, really, let me know) and everyday was much the same as the previous (Author: Honestly, I am getting a little bored myself of this part, but things'll pick up, promise. I'll keep you posted as we go)."
#5 "My publisher told me that I needed to start off my story with a "Bang!" so here we go: Bang! Now that we've got that out of the way..."
#6 "I wouldn't really read this myself if I hadn't been the one writing it..."
#7 "I'm really just in this for the money and I got an advance to write a follow-up to my previous book so here goes..."
#8 "This is a sequel to my first story, if you haven't read that one, by all means go back and buy that book and read that FIRST or you'll be totally lost in this one."
#9 "If you'd rather be watching TV than read this book, maybe you should..."
#10 "There once lived a man who had some pretty exciting things happen to him, though he didn't think they were exciting when they happened, but that's the kind of man that he was (33 words done, 99,967 to go)."
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Ha ha ha! You should do 50 of these, all of them make me laugh. "This is the story of a man who lived and died, and I'll tell you everything in between." XD
Let me try. "This is the story of an author who spent years writing a book that no one wanted to read. Why am I the only one who likes this?!?!"