I remember a day twenty eight days ago, as if it were yesterday. The first day I ever felt total despair, overwhelming sadness, total hopelessness, and abandonment. That Day was the first time in my life I could not feel Gods presence around me. The first time in my life I felt alone. How could this happen? One day I had the perfect family, and Ideal childhood. I was the daughter that my parents prayed into existence. I was the little sister of two brothers who adored me. I had a loving tight knit family, who served God together, prayed together, and most of all Loved each other very much. My parents were in ministry, we lived in a nice town in new jersey, lived in a nice two story house, went to a Christian school, I received the gift of tongues at age seven, I loved Jesus, he was as much a part of my family as any of us were. I never knew evil even existed. I was pure inside and out. My biggest fears back then were thunderstorms and a television show called the hulk. Dad was a Lineman for Jersey Central Power Company, and a volunteer firefighter. He worked long hours and was ready for a change. He thought he heard God tell him to move to the west, so he sold the house, bought a camper and off we went. Dad was the only one who thought this was a good decision. After a lot of traveling we finally ended up in Del Norte Colorado. My Mom fell in love with a nine bedroom, three story, Pink stucco house. A perfect house, in a nice town, next door to the middle school, which in the early 1900's used to be a hospital, and the big pink house was used as a boarding house for the nurses. Before that the house was a house of ill repute. My Parents knew the history of the house, but I don't think they knew about spiritual warfare, if they had known they never would have bought that house. There was evil in that house, an evil so menacing and destructive that it blinded my mom to all that was good in her life. First it attacked my parents finances. After seventeen years of being a stay at home mom, she had to wait tables at the only cafe in town to help make ends meet. Then it attacked their marriage and she had an affair with the cook at the cafe. Which then led to the day that our lives drastically changed forever.
I was excited to get out of school that day so I could tell my mom that the boy I had a crush on actually liked me too. I ran through the front door and instead of seeing my mom, I saw my Dad. He was on the couch crying. I had never seen my dad cry except sometimes in church but that was always a happy cry, this cry was very different. Dad was really crying and it scared me. I crawled in his lap and asked, where is Mom? Dad shook his head slowly, tears streaming down his face. I instantly assumed my Mom was dead and I started crying with him. She must be dead why else would she not be here, I thought to myself. Little did I know in a way I was right. The Mom I knew and Loved for the first twelve years of my life , I would never see THAT MOM again. The Mom who loved me, and wanted me, and prayed with me, in a way was dead. By the time my brothers got home from school Dad had composed himself enough to sit us all down and say, your Mother has decided to leave with Gus. She didn't say where they were going and she will not be back. Dad handed out the letters she wrote to each of us, to this day I cannot remember what mine said. After we all read the letters my brothers and I decided to burn them in the fireplace along with the Christmas presents that Glenn had brought us on Christmas day. The pain I felt, the pain I saw in what was left of my family was too much. I remember getting ready for bed that night and there was a voice in my head saying, your Mom left and took Jesus with her, your life is nothing now, if your own Mother could leave you, who needs you? Nobody does. If you do this your Mom will come back, at least your Dad and Brothers will have her, Go down to the kitchen, get a knife, and cut your wrist and die. It will stop all this pain. I heard it as if someone was right in the room with me. So I went to the kitchen and got a steak knife. All I knew was I could no longer feel Jesus around me. I thought my Mom had taken him with her and all that was left was hurt and sadness. Crying I put the knife to my wrist and my Dad walked into the kitchen, grabbed the knife, pulled me into his arms and said, don't you leave me too, no matter what we are going to go through don't you ever leave me, I need you more than ever. That day changed all of our lives, we would never be the same again. Soon after Mom left, Dad met a lady named Cecile. She had six kids, all teenagers and they were wild. Dad and Cecile would go to the bar and leave all us kids at the house. They would invite all of their friends over and have huge parties. They taught me how to huff gas and got me drunk on cinnamon schnapps every weekend. Dad knew everything we were doing and let us do it so he could go and do what he wanted to, which was drink. One day Dad got a call from the people who had bought our house in New Jersey and they said that my Mom was there and was trying to take all the furniture and clothes. Dad told him not to let her take anything and that he would send someone to get it. So he sent Cecile. At the time he had a cute little sports car called a Fiat and let her drive that to Jersey to get our stuff. So off she went with dad's money and his car. She made it to the old house and loaded up a u-haul with all our stuff and drove away never to be seen by dad again. He knew she was alive because she turned the empty u-haul in. She stole everything, all of our baby pictures, furniture, even the cast I had on my wrist when I was two years old. That was the second and last woman who would ever break dads heart, he never let himself fall in love with anyone after that. Years later Cecile had the nerve to look Dad up and she called when we were living in Montrose wanting to talk to him. I had a few choice words to say to her and told her never to call my Dad again. She never did. Dad started drinking every night after Cecile disappeared and my brothers and I were all getting into fights at school and our grades were dropping fast. Dad decided it was time for a change and asked to be transferred to Montrose Colorado. We left Del Norte as soon as school was out for the summer. Dad did not have any money saved to rent a place and we still had the camper, bought a tent and moved into the KOA campground. I was excited because the campground had go carts. The thrill of the go carts soon wore off. Dad's job was taking him out of town from Monday morning until Friday night every week and he was at his favorite bar the rest of the week. He would give my oldest brother the keys to the camper and $20.00 to feed us for a week, even in the 1980's $20.00 didn't buy much food. We got very good at stealing food from a grocery store up the street. There was a butcher named Sam who would take pity on us and give us meat sometimes. It did not take long to explore our new town. We found a motel up the street that we could swim in the outdoor pool, we went every day for a couple of weeks until they manager caught on and chased us off. Mom had called Dad at work one day and wanted to see us kids, so he told her we were at the campground and he wouldn't stop her from seeing us. We were shocked when we saw her and Gus pull into the campground. My oldest brother didn't want anything to do with her but my other brother and I were very happy to see her. She told us that my Dad had called her and said he could not take care of us and work, and asked her if she could come get us. My oldest brother refused to go with us, so off we went without him. The trip to Arizona was fun, Mom and Gus were giving us all the attention we craved. When we got to their little trailer in Arizona everything changed very fast. The morning after we got there, my brother got up first and saw Mom laying naked on the bed and he was trying to put the sheet over her to cover her up and Gus woke up, started yelling at him and accused him of fondling his own mother. Gus got up told my brother to get dressed and he put him on a bus back to Montrose, Mom didn't even call my Dad to let him know. I did not understand why they sent him away at the time. I now realize that Gus never wanted him to come with us, he only wanted me. He knew what a weak woman my Mom was and he saw an easy target in me and my brother would have messed that up. So he had to go.Being abandoned as a young girl brought a fear into my life of always being abandoned. The first time Since my Mom left that I knew God did not leave me, happened one very scary night in Bullhead City, Arizona. After my Mom took me from the campground in Colorado, we lived in a tiny little trailer in Arizona on the outskirts of town. We would spend the day sunbathing and listening to Billy Joel records. Mom and Gus got jobs working the graveyard shift at a restaurant in town and the first night they had to go to work I had went to bed and was half asleep when I heard the door to the trailer shut and the car start and drive away. I shot up in the bed and ran to the window and saw the taillights getting farther and farther away in the dark. At that moment I knew that Mom was leaving me again. Even though they had told me they would be going to work, I didn't believe them. I did not trust her anymore. If she could leave me once she could do it again, and this time I would not have anyone, I would be stuck not knowing anybody. So I got dressed and ran out the door into the hot dry air. The road that went to town was really dark, there were no street lights, no houses, and at that time of night no traffic. I was crying so hard that it did not matter how dark it was, I couldn't see through the tears anyway. All I knew was, that my Mom was gone again and I was all alone. The fear of being left by Mom again was stronger than the fear of being on a dark road alone in the middle of the night. I was halfway to town when I felt a hand grab my right arm and it was pulling me off the road toward a camper that was parked back in some tree's. I looked behind me back toward the road and out of nowhere there was a police car on the part of the road that this guy had just pulled me from, that car was nowhere in sight a second before. This guy saw the car at the same time I did and let go of my arm and ran into the tree's. I ran to the police car and the guy in it asked me why I was alone on this road this late at night. I told him where Mom worked and he drove me the rest of the way to the restaurant in silence. He parked the car at the restaurant and turned to me, wiped the tears away and said, always remember I will never leave you. I knew right then that this was not a person, but a guardian angel sent by God to protect me. He did not go into the restaurant to tell my Mom what happened. He also didn't go after the guy in the tree's. If he was a real Police man he would have at least talked to Mom when we got there.
There was a waitress there that night that told Mom that her husband was home and there was a spare bedroom and that she could take me there for the night. Mom takes me over there and we meet her husband who looked like he was eighty years old and seemed nice enough. Mom got me settled in the bedroom and went back to work. I felt safe and fell asleep fast. I awoke to feel cold wet lips on my lips and a smell of whiskey and cigar smoke made my stomach churn. I opened my eyes and before I could scream the old man flew from the side of my bed to the opposite wall. It was like some thing or some one picked him up and threw him. Then I heard an audible voice say, get out and don't come to this bed again in a deep and loud voice. It scared the old guy so much that he could not get out of there fast enough. I fell asleep to some one or something soothing me by rubbing my hair. When Mom and Gus came to pick me up the next morning the old guy was so freaked out by what happened he actually told Gus everything, even the trying to kiss me part and Gus was so mad at him for doing that he punched him. After that night I was not scared anymore. Abba, my heavenly father has proven to me over and over that he would never leave me. He will always be by my side,in my life, protecting, guiding, and comforting me. No matter what I was doing, where I was going, or how much trouble I was getting into, God was always there and he still is. We did not stay in Arizona for very long, we moved on to Oklahoma City and at first I loved it. We went shopping for new clothes and went to a water park. Mom and Gus got jobs at another restaurant and I got to go with them a lot. One of the managers made me a uniform just like the waitresses wore and I bussed tables and they let me wait on tables when it was slow. The fun did not last long. We were living in a sleazy motel in a rough part of town. Something in Gus and Mom changed. He was gambling all the time and he started drinking. I dreaded night time. We stayed in one room with two beds and they would leave the bathroom light on and tell me to roll over and go to sleep. When I rolled over they would start having sex, they wouldn't even wait until i went to sleep. One night my legs were hurting from growing pains and I rolled over on my back to stretch them out and Mom said to Gus stop I think she's watching us. He threw her off him and came to my bed and yelled at me " if your just going to watch us and not go to sleep then get the f%#@ out of here". I was so scared I ran out of the room in the middle of the night in my nightgown. I expected Mom to come out and put me back to bed but she didn't so I went and put my feet in the pool. There were people partying in one of the rooms with the door open but thank God they didn't notice me. I looked toward the road and saw a pay phone in front of the office of the motel. I had no idea how to call my Dad because I couldn't remember the name of the campground we were living in. I did remember the phone number of my best friend in Del Norte Colorado. I called her to see if she could find my Dad so he could come and get me. I had no money so I called her collect. I remember when the operator answered the line to get the information for the call, I was so relived to be talking to someone even if she didn't know me. Finally My friends brother answered their phone but he declined to accept the charges. He had no idea who I was. I was crushed. I went back to the pool and curled up on a lawn chair and just cried. Alone again. Abandoned by Mom again. That night I decided that there was no one in this world that I could trust. I was mad at my Dad for not coming to rescue me. I was mad at my Mom for not protecting me but most of all I was mad at God for letting me go through all of this. I never accused God of making all this happen even at such a young age I knew it was Satan but I hated God for not stopping it. Mom finally came out to get me, said Gus was asleep and I should go to sleep to. I went in without saying a word to her and went to bed. This was not the Mom I knew, she was scared of him so she did what he wanted to keep the peace and I hated her for it. I knew from that night on I could never trust her again. Satan won that night he meant for me to be so filled with hatred that it consumed my every thought.
In public Gus would act like he loved me as much as he would love his biological child if he had one. He would sit me on his lap and hug me and playfully pick on me. When he did that at first I loved it, couldn't get enough, but the times we were alone he was mean and hateful to me and Mom. One day I showed up at the restaurant and noticed an old man sitting alone at a table looking very nervous. He was fidgeting with the silverware and tearing of pieces of his napkin and rolling them into little balls. As soon as I saw him there was a voice in my head that said sternly " be careful, don't go with him". Gus took me over to that mans table and introduced us. then Gus told me that I was going bike riding with him and that guy brought a bike for me to ride. That voice in my head was even louder saying "NO, DONT LEAVE WITH HIM". So I thanked the man but declined. Gus took me by the arm and marched me to the back of the restaurant and said this guy gave me a lot of money and you will go with him, he is just lonely and needs company right now. The voice in my head got even louder " NO Don't Leave With HIM"!! I started crying and begging Gus not to make me go and he got angrier and started yelling at me. I pulled my arm away from him and crying I ran back to the front of the restaurant, I knew he would stop yelling at me in front of the customers. He tried one more time to convince me this guy was harmless, but I wouldn't budge, I knew I would pay for this back at the motel but I wasn't going. The old guy finally gave up and walked out the door and I watched Gus follow him, once outside Gus was shaking his head as he reached in his pocket and handed the man a wad of money. I looked at Mom and on her face was complete torment. She also knew what was ahead for us when we would leave the restaurant. Gus didn't wait for work to be over, he told my Mom he was taking me to the motel and he would be back. I was glad to go, the tension at the restaurant was thick. We got to the motel, he threw me in the door and then all hell broke loose. He said that since I liked to watch he and Mom have sex so much that it was my turn and then maybe I would not be so interested if I knew for myself what it was all about. He raped me, told me to clean myself up and then he went back to the restaurant. After that day, I was Mad. I hated men, I hated women, I hated my dad for not coming to get me, but mostly I hated God for letting this happen to me. Feeling unloved and unwanted, I started living a life without feelings. I got myself to an emotional point of having no feelings at all. My eighth grade school year is still a blur. My first day of school I met a girl who took me to the baseball field and got me stoned before first period, then I started smoking cigarettes and hanging out with not so good kids. Mom finally broke up with Gus and he left. She had another boyfriend but either I was gone a lot or he wasn't around our house much because I don't remember much about him until after I was grown up. God still had his guardian angels watching out for me. One night I went out with my boyfriends brother and his friend, cruising around Albuquerque in a van and drinking a lot of beer, I drank so much that by the time my boyfriend found us I was way overdosed and barely breathing. He called my Mom and rushed me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. I remember waking up on my couch the next morning and my mom saying she invited a pastor over to talk to me because I almost died and maybe I would listen to him. The pastor sat down by the couch and I ran to the bathroom and refused to come out until he left, I wasn't listening to no one. So she called my Dad and told him I was acting up and she couldn't handle me, so he came to get me. The day he got there I was at a friends house, her name was Shelly and she was six months pregnant and my age. Shelly's boyfriend was in a gang and I was seeing his younger brother. That day another gang had stolen a bicycle from Shelly's yard so her boyfriend went to their house to get it back and when they didn't answer the door he shot at the garage door with a pistol he had. He came back to Shelly's house and we were watching the Olympics and that other gang came and shot the house up. We all got down and people were screaming, how none of us were shot only God knows but there were bullet holes all over that house. Shelly called 911 and the Police got there and took our statements and by then I was really late getting home so Shelly's mom brought me home to explain why I was late. My Dad was really upset and made me pack my stuff right then and off we went back to Colorado. I thought everything was going to be great now that I was with my Dad. He was renting an apartment and I was finally going to feel loved again. Reality was that once again I was on my own. My brothers both had their friends and my Dad was still working out of town all week and on the weekends he was at the bar. I met some friends at school who liked to smoke cigarettes as much as I did and we would skip school and go to a cafe up the street and drink coffee for hours. I had no supervision, no rules to follow at home. I went out when I wanted. The school got tired of me being there part time and called my dad about my truancy. He called me and told me I had to go to school every day because he would be in trouble if I did not start going. That was the wrong way to tell me because I was mad at my Dad for never being home so if not going to school gets him in trouble, GREAT!! So I made it my mission to not go. I got the attention I wanted, it wasn't good attention but it was attention. I was out of school so much that the school tried everything to make me go. Dad could no longer go out of town for work because he made a deal with the school. He had to drive me there in the morning and walk me to the office and sign me in, then I would act like I was going to class and walk out the back door and go home. Then they made him bring me to the office in the mornings and they would put me in an office by myself with my work from all my classes, that didn't work either. I would wait until the busses left and I would jump out the window and go home. The school would call the cops when I disappeared but they never found me. What did they expect? My dad would take me to the bar with him and I would have to drive him and his drunk friends from bar to bar and then drive them all home every night. I didn't even have my permit yet. Most of the time I didn't get home until 2:00 am and he expected me to go to school? No way was I going. Nothing he tried worked, so the school finally took us to court and threatened to put me in foster care if I did not start going. So Dad gave up and started pawning me off on different women he knew. He took me and my bags to a bartenders house because she lived right across from the school and she thought she could fix me. I ran away and went home. I failed 9th grade because I was never there. My second year in ninth grade I went more often so that Dad would let me get my drivers license. That was when I met my Diane Mom. She worked in the bar my Dad went to and I took to her the minute I met her. Her and my Dad became best friends and she treated me like I was one of her own daughters. I would baby sit for her and stayed at her house most of the time. I turned sixteen and Diane Mom took me to get my license. I started a school in the next town because the school was smaller and I could drive there every morning. By then my oldest brother was going to college in a different town and my other brother and I were in full party mode. There was not a party we were not at. I had to get my tonsils taken out when I was sixteen and my dad picked me up from the hospital and just dropped me off at home and went to the bar. I was mad, I thought he should have stayed home at least one night to make sure I was alright, but he didn't. I was so mad I started punching the wall and couldn't stop, next thing I know my hand was broken and I had to call dad and have him take me back to the hospital to get my hand fixed. It worked. I got him out of the bar and with me. Even though I had not slept with any boy's yet I would tell my Dad I was pregnant because that was something else that would get his attention. I think I was pregnant every other month for a couple of years. He would blame himself for not being there for me and give me anything I wanted. I never was pregnant any of those times, but I got attention.
Feeling unloved and unwanted, I started living a life without feelings. I got myself to an emotional point of having no feelings at all. I literally could not cry. I did not shed one tear until I was 34 years old and accepted Jesus into my life again. I had to pray for feelings and when that prayer was answered it really got answered. I cried about everything, I also felt happiness and love. I felt every feeling I had ever suppressed. Some women who have been through traumatic experiences in their lives will have emotional symptoms like depression or eating disorders etc., but I had none of those because I had no feelings at all. People that knew me when I was between the ages of 13 and 30, only knew the outer shell. I let no one in not even my two children. I Loved my family but I only showed it by taking care of them. Every person is born with a special gift of God, something that God made us really good at and my Gift has always been Giving. I am and always have been a fix it girl. Friends have always asked me how I could forgive my Mom after everything she put me through and my answer was always the same, My Mom is broken, she is a weak woman and I need to fix her. She had so much guilt it physically and mentally made her sick. She needed me and I needed to be needed. Same thing with my Dad. My Dad had a stroke a few years ago and I was upset that he was sick but I was also happy because he needed my help. I would actually guilt my parents into letting me help them just so I could feel needed. I now know that the best way to help someone is to pray for them and God will fix whatever they need fixed and if he wants to use me to help fix something he will let me know. Same thing with boyfriends, I would pick guys that needed fixing and that never worked out, ever. Since I was fifteen until I met my second husband I had a lot of boyfriends that I needed to fix. Once they figured out I had no feelings and my only agenda in a relationship was to turn them into what I thought should be "fixed" they would leave or if they refused to be fixed I would quickly chase them off. I was so broken that it was easier for me to find people to fix than to get myself fixed. I wish I would have known back then just how broken I was. The Holy Spirit has showed me a lot about the evil that broke up my family. He showed me that this evil has been invading my family for generations, It attacks the mothers on one side of my family and they end up walking away from those they love the most. I asked Mom about this and she said it was true that grandma had abandoned her kids also. I made it my life mission to break that evil off my family and I was not ever leaving my kids for nothing. Satan tried to get them, but I was not letting go. I married my daughters Dad after I got pregnant at eighteen years old. I did not love him and I knew I should not marry him, but I knew I could fix him and then we would have the perfect family. It's sad looking back now, there I was in the pickup at the courthouse parking lot, about six months pregnant in a ugly borrowed pink maternity dress with my feet pressed against the dashboard and my hands gripping the steering wheel and crying as my future sister in law is trying to pull me out of the truck saying, you just have cold feet, it will be okay. She finally got me out of the truck and into the rest room to wipe the dripping mascara off my cheeks from the tears .Everything in me told me it was wrong and not to marry him, but I did and three months after my daughter was born he was cheating on me and was very abusive. The night I left him I had my baby in my arms trying to get out the door with her on my shoulder and he pushed me to stop me and the back of her little head hit the wall, that was it , I took my baby and left. There I was a single mom, brand new baby living with my Dad. My ex took me to court every few years trying to get custody from me. I would not give her up for nothing. I know now why the bible says to be equally yoked with your partner. I believe that if I would have waited for God to bring my spouse to me and if I would have waited to have sex until I was married, I would have had the family I always wanted and my children would not have had it so tough growing up with a single mom. I was a good mom but the biggest complaint I get from my kids now about their childhood was I did not show them enough affection, to this day they still want hugs and kisses. I have to make a conscious effort to do that. During the years when I lost my feelings they needed that affection and I could not give them that , not that I did not want to I really didn't know to. Now my daughter pull's me into her arms and puts her head on my shoulder and say's just love me because I forget that they need that. God is Love and that is why Satan, who has come to kill, steal, and destroy, stole my feelings. We as Christians are made in our heavenly fathers image, and if God is Love we as his children should be all about Love, but if a person has no feelings they have no Love to give. The bible says to love one another as God loves us, and if God is Love, I believe one of the strategies Satan uses on the children of God is to get us to not know love. He didn't win!!! I know Love. I feel Love. God is Love!
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