Tracing back my past is almost soothing. Itís a feeling of warmth and trust between my intuition and I. Is it possible to be uplifted by this, or is this another dream? It must be a dream because certain aspects about it bring sudden shocks of pain. How is it possible to feel guilt for something that is nothing but a historical event to this world? How can I escape from it all without leaving a trail of tears behind me? To erase it all is to truly be freed of will. Lost friends, true family, and relationships that are nothing but unborn fetuses that are waiting to create an impact over me are flowing through my mind like the blood of a man as he watches the oceanís tide crash against what seems to be the surface of an almost parallel field of gold. After a specific number of years answers are released or inserted into the hippocampus. I can certainly interact with this feeling of knowledge that can release me from this pain that seems to be ever so captivating. A drug, some would call it, can help me enter that transcendentalist state of mind that satisfies my sweet tooth for being free. To be one with this world, one with god, can help me decide on how I want to live my life because if I am my own god than I can decide my own fate. The only scary thought is that every other human decides my fate whether they know it or not. That is why putting as much of it as I can into my own hands becomes a necessary action. Love cannot stop fate, or destiny. Where I am to go is my own decision which is the beauty of free will.
Free WillÖ what is interesting about free will is that it is the only religion that allows itís follower to put its life in the hands of another. Similar, if you will, to the powerful democracy of the United States. It is the only government that can vote itself out of existence which in my belief is why it is/was such a powerful nation. Rose on the religion of free will, the most powerful nation in the world allowed its followers to choose their lives, and most chose flesh appealing occupations instead of doing what was necessary to survive. This led to corruption obviously, and looking at the history of this world it is ironic to find such similar encounters with other once- dominating societies. Rome, a powerful nation that was so lost in luxury, along with the Ottoman Turks, over many, many generations lost the basic natural instincts necessary to survive and starved to death in a field of wheat and barley. This can mean many thingsÖ the anti-Christ, a change in world leaders, a new generation of corrupt religious fanatics, a new dynasty, the fall of the human race, the fall of environmental bases, a treacherous/unwarranted upcoming in criminal activity, a worldwide convergence of piece, the wrath of God, and thousands of others. So what is it going to take for my mind to decide what to believe? I can branch and connect and create lies upon lies to make a believable story on why I think it is okay to follow a certain hypocritical religion that I probably will not even believe in two months, but I find no reason in doing so until I know I can put my hand down on one thing without feeling this evil spirit cutting my soul into pieces. I am still connected to my old lost self, I just donít know if I want to invite it over for supper. I will call it up from time to time but all in all I cannot go back to it. I am way too deep in this life I have now, even though I am not one hundred percent happy. I love everything I have going for myself and I know if I do what I know is right I can make a difference, but there is a sacrifice, and I am not sure if it is worth the pain I will have to endure. One life for one million lives? Is it worth it? I was born a diamond and through years of erosion and decay I am left to what Jentzen Franklin would call a cup of water; a flowing liquid that will shape into whatever jar it is placed in. Why couldnít I have been placed into a cross-shaped jar? It is not fair to know what is out there and not have the courage to tell anyone. I may either be a prophet or a psychopath, but whichever one it may be I know what I know and that is what I have to go on. So do I take the next step, or fall back into the comfortable shell with the perfect girlfriend and life to keep me oh so warm at night? I feel like I very so much need to decide very quickly because whether I like it or not HE is coming. It is the fear of falling that keeps us from flying which is why I am scared to take that next step that will disconnect me from this like I know now. If only I wasnt so distant from the one who i was raised to believe wouldn't drop me.
No, this is not me asking for prayer, but me asking for someone to tell me what is out there because right now I am confused. I know much about many religions and for some reason christianity has a drawing upon it. I want to know why!