Grief
I prayed for death last night. It’s the second time in my life I’d ever done so. The first time was several years ago when I was in college. Things weren’t going well. I was broken-hearted over a failed relationship. I was unfulfilled in my course work. With only 12 cents to my name, I was completely broke. I didn’t know where my life was going, and quite honestly, I didn’t care anymore. And though I was saved and had relationship with God, depression was quickly closing in on me.
“Lord, make it better!” I cried out in desperation. “Make it better or take my life. I know that I’ll go to heaven. I don’t really want to die, but I don’t want to keeping living like this either.”
Sobbing from my eyes and crying from my soul, I felt utterly hopeless. Still, a part of me knew that things might get better if I kept going. I wanted better; I just couldn’t go anymore.
God is so faithful. He heard me and helped me, even carried me. And I made it through. But this time was different.
_______________________________________
You know, Satan can and will pervert anything. Murder, suicide, fatal illnesses, untimely accidents, horror films. All perversions of death. Corruptions of God’s intentions.
But I’ve seen death, and it’s beautiful . . .
I laid in bed, thinking of all I’d lost: my job, my church family, friends, health, money, my home, my comfort. My daughter. Death looked so appealing. Since I’ve been grieving, I communicate openly how I feel with the people I trust. When I feel angry or sad or insane or guilty, I say so. I believe that if I really felt suicidal, I’d relay that as well. (I think.) But I’m not depressed, and have no plans of suicide. But pure death? Oh, I longed for it.
Before, when I asked such a thing of God, it was out of fear and doubt. I hoped things would get better, but I wasn’t completely sure that they would. I was afraid to die, but hated my existence so much that I was willing to face it. But no, this time I knew exactly what I was asking for. I knew God could and probably would bring me through this present hardship better, stronger, more mature. When I put in my request, I knew that an amazing level of greatness and joy most likely awaited me on the other side of this trial. Still, I pondered:
“What manner of greatness on earth can outdo even a portion of Heaven?! Heaven trumps ANYTHING going on down here on earth; I don‘t care how good it is.”
“I’m going anyway. In the scope of eternity, what difference does it make to be a little early? Yes, this is exactly what I want.”
The more I mulled it over, the more I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. A knowing smile took control of my face.
“Yes, Heaven.” The perpetual glory of Almighty God. Jesus Himself. Angels crying “Holy!”. Never-ending praise, exaltation, and worship. Perfection. My grandparents. My baby girl.
For a moment, I thought of my own parents. I knew they would hurt when I left. Truly, I knew and understood. But the peace of knowing that I, too, died beautifully, along with their own faith in God would help them through it. Yes, the loss would hurt; they would miss me terribly. But 26 years of memories is a lot to hold on to and be grateful for. The same peace that I was feeling in those moments would give them comfort as well. My mind went back to heaven.
“I’ve seen death, and it’s beautiful.” Those words resonated in my mind. I was calmly elated. My breathing slowed. An eerily wonderful and completely indescribable sensation came over me and seemed swallow me whole. I entered into a place beyond peace, beyond joy, beyond awe and wonder. I thought, “God heard me and He’s granting my request!” I was dying and it was perfect.
I continued to lie there, still and peaceful. “This really is beautiful,” I thought, “nothing else matters.”
Then I began to hear the Holy Spirit:
“This is why I ask the same thing of you that you’re asking of Me.”
“Huh?”
“I want you to die just as much as you want to die. ‘Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints’ (Psa. 116:15).”
“Yes, I know. It’s beautiful.”
“ ‘Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it’ (Matthew 10:39). Death is your key to abundant life (John 10:10), both on earth and in heaven. Sacrifice yourself, your life to Me. ”
All at once, I began to understand His words.
“What? NOOOOO!!! That isn’t what I meant! I want a physical, earthly, non-metaphorical death! I want Heaven!”
Imagine my disappointment when I instinctively knew that I would wake up the following morning. But it was too late; it had already become too clear. I wouldn’t die today, at least not in the way that I’d hoped. But for a moment, I had seen death through God’s eyes, through His will. And in that glimpse, I saw how I had to continue to live. Nothing matters in death. Past hurts and disappointments, joys and good times don’t mean much, if anything. Both failure and success fall into perspective. Letting go of all things past is easy, and there is no worry about the future. When God asks His people to become living sacrifices (Rom. 12:1), it’s because this is how He wants us to live. Dying daily. Trusting, resting completely in Him. Our abundant lives please God.
After I lost the closest person in the world to me to death, I began to toil and even now continue to work through it, though I told myself that I wouldn’t die here, too. But God has shown me that I can, and it’s okay. It’s actually necessary, but on His terms. I trust Him.
I’ve seen death and it is beautiful.
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