Dr. Amber Frankensteen
by Dan Vander Ark
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My oldest daughter is going back to school to get her degree in Accounting. So it only made total sense to me, in order to fulfill one of her prerequisite classes, that she had to dissect a piglet. And it was an online piglet dissecting biology class that she was taking, so the surgery had to be performed in her own home.
She ordered the kit that contained all of the items she needed for her dissection but had it shipped to her sister’s home in the country. Seems people have been stealing UPS shipments off from her home-in-the-city front porch, so she had them sent to the sister’s country home.
I was fortunate to be at our daughter’s country home when Amber opened the UPS package. And we were all under the assumption that she had ordered a piglet to dissect. You know, Babe’s younger relative. When we opened the box we found that that box contained two smaller boxes. I assumed it was one box for the bacon and one box for the porkchops. But alas, when we opened the first box we found that it contained some miscellaneous dissection items and A COW EYE! That’s like totally gross. (And it seemed to me that wherever I stood by the table, the eye was looking at me.) So we figured the piggy must be in the second carton. She began to open that box. I pointed out that the writing on the box showed she was opening it upside down. Good thing we caught it. My younger daughter matter-of-factly mentioned that we could have been mooned by the piggy! She continued to carefully open the second carton.
No piggy. Just a sheep brain and some more dissecting stuff. I found a box of microscope slides amidst the packing stuff. I opened the little box of slides and held one up to the light.
“Oh look!” I said excitedly, “It’s the Eiffel Tower! Must be when the sheep brain was in Paris!”
I am not sure if Amber has done the home cow-eye-sheep-brain dissection thing yet, but if not I am guessing it may go something like this:
(Her husband’s name is Kevin)
Kevin: Oh hi honey. What are you cooking for supper?
Dr. FrankenAmber: DON’T EAT THAT! IT’S FOR SCHOOL!
Kevin: OhhhhhKaaayyyyy…..and what’s up with the goggles?
Dr. FrankenAmber: I am working on my accounting degree.
Kevin: OhhhhhKayayyyyy…..you’re cooking for accounting?
Dr. FrankenAmber: I have to dissect a pig but it turned out to be a sheep brain and a cow eye. Please! I must have silence! – I have to make an incision along the medulla oblongata.
Kevin: What’s the brain’s name? Abbie Normal?
Dr. FrankenAmber: OK, ve are now taking ze brain out to ze garage; faithful assistant Kevin, go hook up the jumper cables to ze Zubaru…AND DON’T FORGET ZE COW EYE!
(In the garage)
Kevin: Ok Dr., ze jumper cables are now hooked up to ze brain! Hold it, why am I talking in zis stupid Transylvanian accent?
Dr. FrankenAmber: Ok – go start ze Zubara and rev it to 8,000 RPM and hold it there for 30 seconds. AND I VILL FLIP ZE SWITCH!
(With ze Zubaru revving)
Kevin: Dr., ve now has 8,000 RPM’s!!!!
Dr. FrankenAmber: Kevin, I AM FLIPPING ZE SWITCH!
(With a greenish ghostly light and ozone and the stench of overcooked sheep brain filling the garage)
Suddenly there is an eerie silence.
Both Dr. FrankenAmber and her faithful assistant Kevin peer closely at ze brain.
The quivering mass is quivering.
Dr. FrankenAmber: IT’S ALIVE!
Kevin: OK, I’m outta here
Dr. FrankenAmber: Vait! Before you go, hook up ze cow eye to ze new Ford F150 crew cab!
Kevin: Ve kan't do zat! I mean, We can’t do that! The car salesman told me that will void the warranty on your new truck…3 years or 36,000 miles or jump starting one cow eye, whichever comes first…
Dr. FrankenAmber: Vell…I guess…ok. Come on sheep brain, let’s go watch “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader”….
Dan Vander Ark
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