Being a poetic Christian sometimes make feel like im struggleling in the inside looking out. I don't don't even know where to begin. Seeing how people live there lives. Im a lonely heart, and love and can't seem to just win. Yet it seems as though ive seen many faces and to many places recalling image of scenery where I've been. Still I"m the outsider trying to look at what's in. My entire life is but lonelyness, emtyness, and pain. Help me Lord I don't want my life remain the same. Sometimes I feel like I just cant win. And every time I think I'll win It bounces back at and turns my odds against me to confusing place I have never been. Where there is no sunshine nothing but rain lonely hearted soul with emotion of pain Sometimes I feel like giving up not try to show what I can and willing to give. I do try to be in my friends and family's lives but going back around just to live trying be alive. My doubts of delusion and confusion started as something small. But going towards the sinful life has made it even stronger though,it seems. As conviction creeps in my thoughts and sneaks up in my dreams. Living only in dream stealing my life my daylight hours. People want to just to stay away from me because I'm a schitzofreniac I seem to be uninvited and rumors and gossip surrounds me with unpolitnes. Im trying to look forward in the future now. I know where theirs hope they'll be a better place where with hope,faith and truth will lead. That's true indeed. I Believe!And that's not a cry of doubt but a cry for help,I need.But for now loneliness and misery is all I need But I hope my blogging will shine light to others or cause them to feel emotions of empythy not sympyhty.Eventualy it will somehow be looked apon gods eye as a great sign in dead. I mean some people are heartless so filling their souls with grieve is still something rather then feeling nothing.Am I right.? Lord does that count? Or should I stop searching and stop being a witness to show Or let me heart starve slow Im willing give a lot just let me feel like I've live. But I also know in heaven is what I should be waiting for What Gods will give Untill then I'll just be me and live, my life as lonely poetic heart of Jesus Christ. Well seems like it has gotten gold.seeing things in this perspective I might as well be a lonely poet heart with a starved soul.Will I go to heaven for being so sad I don't know. We'll see. They say Christians should be happy but they also so ignorant ones live in bliss SO now I'm confused and hear words in my ears like deceiving lectures like a wind with a hiss Reading the bible clears the voices but can I do it all day and night? Please lord give me the candle then the light Only on meds am I able to function and live right but you know I hate relying on that stuff for it dulls my brain like always living in a dream but with you as in my heart it feelings like I'm living in paradise, it seems. It only happens when I sleep or on church days but one day of bliss is worth more then an eternity lost in the depths clouded mist. Now my thoughts are clearer. The meds I just just took is kicking in now. I'm shining down as a smile lift up from a frown. Well ran out of thought ill finish this later.