Man's attempts fall short of God's transformation of the inner being
Bare stage, doctor's smock
A successful institution attempts to sell bogus spirituality
(DOCTOR is dressed in doctor's smock. He sounds caring and sincere until the end when he rattles off disclaimers)
DOCTOR: Do you feel you just don't have enough spirituality in your life? Are you looking for a new vitality in your spiritual walk, but just don't know where or how to find it? Well, if you've come to Spiritual General, you've come to the right place. We here at Spiritual General employ the latest techniques to get you up and on your knees with renewed piety in no time.
Browse through our brochure that lists a complete line of spiritual agumentations that will only improve your life on the inside, as well as the outside. We'll guide you through our top of the line procedures that will enhance, uplift, and bring out that spiritual giant in you.
First of all, is our basic Joy Transfusion. It's quick, it's painless, and best of all, it will leave you feeling practically glowing all over. Feel you just don't have the right amount of righteousness? Our Pious 1, Pious 2, and Pious 3 programs allow you to ease into the highest levels of magnanimity.
These are just a few of our most successful programs. But why take my word for it? Listen to these clients who have all had their lives changed by Spiritual General, and I think you'd agree that we have something for you.
OUTPATIENT 1: I just couldn't get into praying like my other Christian friends. It didn't seem real to me, talking to God; especially in church, I felt so self- conscious. But then I went to Spiritual General and got a Prayer Uplift, and now I can speak out loud with the best of them. And it wasn't just a procedure I received from Spiritual General. They have a full therapy program to help you with posture, voice clarity, and spiritual phrases for all occasions. I knew I had gotten the results I wanted when the pastor asked me to pray out loud at the annual banquet. And I have Spiritual General to thank.
OUTPATIENT 2: I had been having difficulty with my "Love Your Neighbor"; all the people I knew were either bores or real flakes. I couldn't count on them, or I couldn't stand them. I had gone through some counseling at Spiritual General, and we had decided what I needed was Charity Transplant. At first I was nervous, but the people at Spiritual General are really kind, at least they seemed to be. After the procedure, I went back to the people I knew, and what a difference! They would still bore me to tears, but now I could occupy my mind with whatever I wanted, and my transplant would allow me to smile graciously and pretend to be interested in whatever was being said, no matter how tedious. And when people would disappoint me, I could still think whatever I wanted about them, but my transplant let me look sympathetic and tell them everything was all right.
Now everyone thinks that I'm the greatest, and I never really had to change. And I have Spiritual General to thank.
DOCTOR: The list is endless for what we can do for you. We have counseling sessions and therapy groups that can resolve minor deficiencies, as well as minor and major proceedures all the way up to our Deluxe Maximum Overhaul Package. Come in for a free consultation, and get yourself on the road to spiritual enhancement, but only here, at Spiritual General.
(spoken very quickly) Individual results may vary; Some side effects may result as a consequence of procedure; Spiritual General is not responsible or liable for health or well being beyond immediate care; some consequences after procedures are inevitable.