You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my motherís womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelousóhow well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I canít even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! ~ Psalm 139:13-18
Oh, what comfort these verses have brought and continue to bring me. Though I had heard the expression ďGod donít make junkĒ before, I didnít truly get it, until I read these verses Ė again and again and again. I read them over, and over, and over, letting them take root deep inside my heart. I needed them Ė desperately.
People whoíve grown up in abuse, poverty and dysfunction often struggle with feelings of inferiority. Self-worth is frequently associated with performance. There is often a feeling of not fitting in or measuring up. Thatís how it was with me. Often through the years, my pain, anger, loneliness and oppression really got to me. I sometimes thought I was unlovable, to myself, to others, and to God. I didnít think I was a bad person per se; it was more like I just didnít matter. I wandered through life, determined to do and be better than my family. I worked hard and was pretty well liked, eventually, popular even. But all of that was superficial. Inside I was eaten up by insecurity and unworthiness.
I always was aware of God, always knew Jesus, but I never committed my life to Him. It wasnít because I wasnít interested. I just couldnít find Him. I tried out various churches through the years, but never felt anything. Finally, when I was 30, I walked into the church that changed my life. God had been wooing me and I was primed. I was ready. I was tired of searching, I now wanted to find.
And find Him I did! God radically changed my life and more importantly, how I saw and valued myself. I realized I was beautiful, enjoyable, and purposeful simply because He made me that way. I had worth and value, because He created me, not because of where I came from or what Iíd accomplished. The wonderful and amazing God of the universe, created me, thought about me, loved me, had a purpose for me.
It is truly astounding to me, that He has written all the days of my life in His book. That He has a very specific and unique purpose for me, one that only I can fulfill. He created me; giving me the looks and personality He wanted me to have to fulfill that purpose. I have learned that when I criticize myself, I am actually criticizing the work of Godís hands. Thatís not to say I canít or shouldnít better myself, but rather Iím kinder to myself as I go about it. I may mess up from time to time, but God is still there. He still watches over me and thinks of me. He still loves me.
I now know that no matter what happens in my life, I am not alone. I am not unwanted. I am not unloved. Thank you, Jesus!