The God of all creation has come to Earth,
forgiven my sins,
cleansed me from all unrighteousness,
and promised me eternal life.
And yet I struggle with a depression that just won’t let go.
He has saved me from a life of sin,
offered me comfort in all trials,
and has given me hope beyond measure.
And yet I cry.
A place at His table.
A room in His mansion.
A slate wiped clean.
And yet in this pit I remain.
Victory over all.
And yet the tears still come.
What is it that tortures my soul?
What could be more overpowering
than the greatest power of all?
What could I possibly have to trouble my heart so?
Am I too weak?
Do I lack the faith?
Have I failed to surrender?
Must I do something more?
Can I really believe what I believe and feel the way I do?
What is they key verb?
Is there an action I’m missing that would release me
from this prison?
Is it self-made?
Can I escape?
Have I lost the right key?
Was one ever made?
Mine eyes have seen the glory,
and yet my light is still so dim.
What must I do to make it shine bright again?
What must I change to rearrange
this darkened mess I’m in?
Chase away the shadows that keep creeping in.
Steal back the excitement that was stolen from me.
Can I truly be a believer?
Am I worthy of that name?
Do I blaspheme what’s holy by carrying
both salvation and depression in my heart?
Can I claim that hope
while this weight tries to carry it away?
The heavy guilt,
the massive burden of life,
the redundant nature of it all.
My sprit is so dim,
I’m afraid of flickering out.
How can this be with all I know?
How can I feel these things?
How can I continue to sink,
with Him there to lift me up?
My heart, my soul, my strength, my mind.
Can I call myself a Christian?
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...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them... 2 Cor 5:19
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Dear Kerry, What a deeply sad poem… and how brave to express these questions that many of us struggle with… myself included. You are a courageous writer, willing to speak of things others gloss over… you bring courage to others to speak of similar things. I am drawn to your use of prose rather than rhyme to get your thoughts across… Bless you as you use your gift of writing to work out your salvation, questions in a real and transparent way. Lesley-Anne