So Iím not supposed to ask why. Iím supposed to praise You no matter what happens to me. What was that verse Ö though He slays me, still I will trust Him. But my son! My son, why?
I said good night to my sweet Jimmy last night, like every night for the last ten years. I kissed his sweet forehead, told him sweet dreams. And this morning, he doesnít wake up like he usually does. So I go check on him, thinking maybe he just needed a little more sleep Ďcause we had a long outing yesterday. Jimmy! Jimmy!! My God, Jimmy! No, you canít!
You gave me one of Your special ones. The doctors Ö they said Jimmy wouldnít be able to talk like normal kids. He wouldnít respond to me. Oh Jesus! He was so full of love, and life. He loved the beach, the ocean. He was so sweet to me, to Daddy, to sis Ö why, God, why?
Am I supposed to understand this? Was this a supreme act of kindness for Jimmy? Was this for me? What are you trying to teach me, Lord? Jimmy was special. He needed me more than his sister, and we were all okay with that. We loved Jimmy. My Becky loved Jimmy. She mothered him in some ways that I couldnít.
Oh, none of this makes any sense. How are we going to go on? How am I?
Frank, my honey, heís all torn up. Doesnít think he did enough, loved Jimmy enough, spent enough time with him Ö and now heís gone. Why couldnít we keep him longer God? Why didnít you let us say goodbye?
Help me. Help me look up, to praise You, trust You Ö have faith again. You promise to meet our needs Ö if we seek You first, keep You number one. Is that it? Is this some test, some reminder that I didnít? What am I going to do? How am I going to live? Heís gone Ö oh my Jimmy, heís gone!
I know where he is. In Your arms. No more autism, no more tears. With You, forever. Happy, dancing even. Praising You.
Iíll see him again one day. I know thatís true. But the road between now and one day is so long, so painful.
I donít know if I can make it. I donít know if I want to make it.