KassieOsesie wrote::D Hello, I did the excercise. I could do with a lot more practice, I'm one of those who use unecessary words. This really helped. Here it goes:
Doreen didn't look up from her book as the subway ran through the stations. Aware of the huge man beside her, she inched closer to the window. Almost halfway through her journey, Doreen wished again that she had bought the E-book instead. Placing a finger in her book, she moved her thigh away from the man. He seemed to take the whole space. With a screech, the train halted, yet in the tunnel. It was dark except for a dimly lit bulb. Fear welled up in her throat, she choked.
'Ma'am? would you take my hand please?' He said softly.
Hello, Kassie! Thanks for finding this class, and for doing the exercise.
You've certainly tightened up the reading, stripping it down to its bare necessities. I especially like the phrase "Fear welled up in her throat."
A few things that you might want to be aware of:
1. Your second, third, and fourth sentences all have a very similar structure--a phrase or clause describing Doreen, and then a second one describing Doreen's actions (she inched...Doreen wished...she moved). While there's nothing wrong with that structure, it's best to mix up your sentence structures a bit more, lest your writing fall into a monotonous rhythm.
2. Although I like the phrase "fear welled up in her throat," you have it connected to "she choked" with a comma, making a comma splice. The punctuation there should have been a semicolon, or you could have written "Fear welled up in her throat and she choked."
3. Finally, you'll want to be careful with capitalization in the dialog in the last line. It should be written thus:"Ma'am? Would you take my hand, please?" he said softly.
Notice that I capitalized "Would," since it is the first word of a sentence, and I made "he" lower case. That's trickier, as it appears to be the first word of a sentence (since there is a question mark before it), but it's really not. It's in the middle of the sentence that begins with "Would you..."
It took courage to post your tightened writing here, and I'm glad I was able to review it. Your writing has considerable potential! I hope you'll stop by the other classes and do the "homework" there, too.