Thanks for sharing your poem. It definitely passes my first "test"--it would be difficult to write this out in paragraph form, and it would definitely seem "odd" as a prose paragraph. So it's got some definite poetic skills going on. These are the ones that I can see:
repetition (your -ing words)
altered syntax ("but God")
unusual capitalization (Love and Hope)
metaphor (emotions stretched)
I've got a few suggestions for you, but you're definitely on the right track.
Avoid using cliches--phrases that are in common use. In this poem, I'd call stretched to the breaking point
and blood, sweat, and tears
cliches. My test for cliches is easy: have I ever seen this phrase before? If so, then I look for a fresher way to portray the same idea.
The poem uses a lot of plural pronouns (our, we)--but I think it would have more impact if it was personal (I, my, me). In fact, you use 'me' toward the end, and it works very well there.
There's nothing wrong with your word choice here, but a few more interesting synonyms might be good, too.
Finally, I don't think I've ever read an approach to the concept of tithing that's quite like this--comparing it to Christ's sacrifice on the cross. That's a GOOD thing--your idea is unique--but I think it could have been more fully developed with some more imagery or additional metaphors. I wanted more!
The sweat of our face,
the aching muscles,
the tired bones,
Emotions stretched to the breaking point-
Minds so tired we can’t think another thought.
All this – wrapped up in a paycheck.
Wanted this, wanted that,
He came to this earth, and lived this life,
And sweated blood.
To give me Hope.
A tithe of my money,
(blood, sweat and tears)
And in the doing,
Comes relationship, uniting,
As our mutual sacrifice is mingled at the cross
And Love is consummated.
We are one.