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Southern Porch Extension

A place for general chat (non-writing related). Please keep political discussions to the relevant neighborhood forum.

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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Tue May 21, 2013 11:09 am

Greetings to all on a very humid day. Praying for those in Oklahoma. So sad!

I dreamed last night I had 30 to feed and not enough to feed them. I guess I should have just sent hem all to Dub's!

Enjoying quiet summer days--hope all of you are, too.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

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Green Leaves
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Green Leaves » Tue May 21, 2013 10:38 pm

Hope you feel like laughing. I received these in an email:



The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
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"...not to advance in the spiritual life is to go back. But those who have the gale of the Holy Spirit go forward even in sleep.". Brother Lawrence

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Wed May 22, 2013 1:37 am

Thanks, GreenLeaves, I enjoyed a bunch of chuckles reading down the list. :P
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Fri May 24, 2013 8:44 am

Yoo Hoo on the porch--Where is everybody? I just put some Krispy Kreme donuts on the porch table. If you haven't had those "hot and now" you've missed a wonderful treat.

Thanks for the smiles, Carol. I enjoyed the true stories.

Headed for a lovely day here--comfortably cool and sunny. Hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

Facebook author page: Verna Cole Mitchell
http://www.magnificomanuscripts.com/

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri May 24, 2013 8:41 pm

From hiding place Don hears "Yoo Hoo" call. Peeks outside. Looks around. Sees nobody.

Detects irresistible aroma of Krispy Kreme donuts wafting through porch.

Follows nose and locates platter of fresh, hot donuts.

Looks around. Sees nobody. Reaches out and grabs donut.

Quickly retreats back to hiding place.

Yumm!
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Allison
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Allison » Fri May 24, 2013 9:52 pm

Hey Don, how's your daughter doing?
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Isaiah 40:30-31 (NIV)

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Sat May 25, 2013 7:30 am

Allison wrote:Hey Don, how's your daughter doing?


Thanks for asking, Allison. I talked with my daughter late yesterday.

She is 4 1/2 weeks post-hip surgery, and is doing well. The go-ahead has been given to walk without support (crutches), and even drive as much as she can tolerate it. There are no restrictions, but must be careful. She has her next (final?) doctor appointment on June 27th.

With the freedom to drive again, she has already begun to travel short distances for sales calls, shopping, etc.

Thanks for all your advice. She appreciates it very much.

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Joanney » Sat May 25, 2013 10:45 am

Don, glad to hear that Shelly is doing so well.

I wrote a short article this morning and posted it on Faithwriters. I haven't done much of that lately, but it was fun. This one was inspired by two very special creatures in my life.

Five Love Languages of Dogs
ImageImage

"We are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners."

You have wearied the LORD with your words.
“How have we wearied him?” you ask.
By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them” or “Where is the God of justice?”

Malachi 2:17

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Sun May 26, 2013 6:49 am

Knock knock
Who's there?
José
José who?
José can you see by the dawn's early light?


I know, I know. But is IS Memorial Day weekend and that's the best I could come up with (or copy from another post).

:superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :superhappy :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :party :party :party :party :party :rolling :rolling :rolling :music2 :music2 :music2 :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :joker2 :joker2 :joker2 :joker2 :joker2 :typing2 :typing2 :typing2
"Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
'How great Thou art, how great Thou art..."


Mariane Holbrook

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dub
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby dub » Sun May 26, 2013 7:20 am

Celebrated Miss P's big 66 birthday yesterday. Family and friends filled the cottage. Half of whom have headed for Charlotte for the NASCAR event, some went home, what's left in the cottage is determining which church service to go to, and some relatives are expected this afternoon. The turnstile keeps spinning here in the swamp. Y'all come, seems everyone else has. Oh, check out my jeep pix in the Watercooler; Aunt Ruth took the bra (hood covering) off her jeep and put it on mine, she got a new Florida State bra for her jeep. Other than that, I have been spending nearly every waking hour getting the porch area ready for a new deck and patio. This includes breaking up sod, moving paves, and more digging and leveling than I ever thought my body would tolerate. When I say, y'all come, that means, show up with work gloves. And Miss P purchased 9 Boxwoods and 2 Azaleas which she wants planted. I could go on but my shovel weary hands are protesting.

Y'all have a glorious Sunday praising the Lord.

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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Sun May 26, 2013 1:45 pm

A big thanks early for all on the porch--regulars or lurkers :) who contributed to maintaining the freedom of our great nation. May God bless America! We sang that at church this morning, and my heart and eyes filled with thankfulness for those who sacrificed for our freedoms. We honor them especially for Memorial Day. Hope you all have some happy plans for celebrations.

Our daughter and husband will be here this afternoon for a belated Mother's Day visit. Unlike Dub,
our visitors usually come in "small packages," but they are so very welcome.(Happy Birthday to Miss P.)

Joanney, I liked your love languages for dogs. I miss our little poodle!

Warm greetings to all on this beautiful day.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

Facebook author page: Verna Cole Mitchell
http://www.magnificomanuscripts.com/

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby deejay » Mon May 27, 2013 5:20 pm

I know Memorial Day honors those who fought and died for our country--this would include my second cousin who was KIA on Iwo Jima, after the flag raising, he was there to keep it from falling back into enemy hands--but what about those who were in the armed forces but served in non-combat roles? My dad was in the Army Security Agency during the Korean War; because that was charged with keeping military secrets safe, he was not sent into combat. Does Memorial Day cover him too? Just wanted to be sure.

Since the libraries are closed today, I got permission from my pastor to bring my netbook to church, and after repacking some of my stuff that's in storage, to use the church's wifi. I bought an 18 gallon bin, came to church--and in trying to turn the alarm off, accidentally set it off! :cop :sofa :shocked :fingerwag So I had to call the alarm company on my cell--couldn't seem to call out on the church phones--and let them know what happened. They are such nice people!

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Mon May 27, 2013 7:27 pm

I believe Memorial Day is a time to honor not only those who died in combat roles, but must include all who serve/served in our country's military forces in whatever capacity, combat and non-combat, as necessary to support, protect, and preserve.

After a shortened basic training during WWII, my dad was taken by troupe ship to the Philippines where he fought on the front lines as a trained machine gunner and sniper. His job was to go out ahead of his unit to "clear the way" as they advanced against the Japanese in the jungles and swamps of the Philippines.

The average life expectancy of a machine gunner and sniper in combat was about 10 minutes.

His clothing, socks, and boots were soaking wet for days at a time. At some point my dad became very ill from malaria - so much so that his unit left him for dead in the heat of battle. He managed to crawl to a stream lined with dead Japanese bodies, but there he was able to rest and drink cool water to ease his raging fever. Eventually he was discovered by medics who carried him to a safe position where treatment could begin.

I remember the day my dad came home from the war as if it were yesterday. My mother, driving dad's '39 Ford, took me along with her to the small-town train depot to meet him. Finally, the big black steam locomotive pulling the train came into view. It was a happy day for him to step down from the train - a day he thought would never happen.

He suffered with his malaria for about 10 years after the war was over, but he was alive and home again with his family. Dad lived another 60 years.

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Joanney » Mon May 27, 2013 8:33 pm

Memorial Day honors all who served. My dad did not talk much about his time in Korea. I remember only one conversation where he shared anything and it was not combat related. My mom told me once that one of his buddies would take him as an unauthorized passenger on spy trips over Russia. That is all I know of his time in the service. I remember as a kid we found his shadow box of military pins in a closet, but I had no idea what any of them meant.

My twin brother went over to Iraq just after the first Gulf War. He did not see combat, but was injured in an accident where the driver behind him said that no one would have been able to get a semi up the cloverleaf with the amount of oil on the road. His buddy in the truck was killed and the semi landed on John's foot. He came home for medical leave after only 1-2 months in Iraq.

DeeJay, I had to smile when I read the part about the alarm at church. I spent the day helping a friend (Jr High Youth Director) prepare for a youth event that is coming up. We ripped boards, cut out the shapes we needed out of plywood and painted them. The last thing we did before leaving was to test the smoke machines, and set off the fire alarm. Chris (youth director) had to call the alarm company to prevent the fire trucks from showing up, and then call the head of maintenance to figure out how to turn off the alarms. Guess it is a 12-step process once you get in the closet. By the time he got them turned off, the silence was music.

The project we were working on still needs a lot of work, but we have about two weeks to get it done.
ImageImage

"We are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners."

You have wearied the LORD with your words.
“How have we wearied him?” you ask.
By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them” or “Where is the God of justice?”

Malachi 2:17

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Mon May 27, 2013 9:19 pm

Perhaps Memorial Day should include a reminder for remembering the unsung homefront heroes who mourn, too. I know I'd rather be in the thick of it, myself, than sit at home on pins and needles with a loved one in harm's way and me not with him:
Image

Another veteran posted on facebook that Memorial Day is for remembering those who are gone, while Veterans' Day is for remembering the living. I like that distinction, to keep the emphasis for each more focused. And, I think all the military who served, whether KIA or not, are to be included, whether as memorials or in recognition - just as we dedicate gifts "in memory of" or "in honor of," depending on whether they are gone or still with us. Makes sense to me, anyway! 8)
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
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