Annette screamed out as pain and anguish filled her; the excruciating pain in her heart was just too much to bear.
“Oh God….” She whimpered. “I did it again; I did it….” She cried out in pain. “I allowed all these to happen……; I put all these on myself….” She crouched to her knees in tears.
“I did not even protect her, I could not…….” She held unto her chest in pain.
She had just committed her fourth abortion amongst others. It’s been two days since she went through the ordeal, but the darkness and bitterness in her heart was unbearable. The image that appeared to her each time she closed her eyes has eluded her from sleeping for days. The voices in her head and flashing images have been tormenting her.
“I was so selfish, all I cared about is myself; I have destroyed lives, I have destroyed people all for the sake of my own gain; I have destroyed homes…….” her hands and knees trembled so fast that they could not hold her still. She collapsed on the floor.
“God!” Her voice was barely a whisper. “What have I done to myself……., who am I?” she screamed out.
All her life has been one destruction to another, living a reckless life. Annette has done so many abominable things to her body; given her body in exchange for money and every other material thing; gone through abortion so many times, luring men out of their homes into her seductive bed. She’s turned women into single parents just because their men have been sold out to her and made children fatherless. All these have been done in total contempt to life.
Now, she felt her life was over, she saw all the evil she’s done right in front of her and all her sins and evil are all before her. The pain, hurt, agony, wickedness, selfishness and every evil she’s done are all labeled over her. She trembled on the floor, shaking in fear; the guilt was unbearable. She knew what she had to.
She would have to pay for her sins, the thick darkness all around her is overwhelming, an indication of her evil deeds. Then, she stood up from the floor and walked towards the long corridor; every step carried in shame and scorn. On her body are all the wickedness and things she done to herself and others, she just couldn’t get away from them, no matter how she shook her body, they have become part of her; she could see them written plainly on her. That was it! The guilt became her torment.
Her eyes filled with tears; she had not always been like this; everything she did were not what she had imagined her life to be. She never thought she would sell her body all in the name of pleasure, enjoyment and money; she never once considered she would abort any baby in her life term, let alone several pregnancies. She never imagined what she would do to families after having the best parents in her life, those who loved her unconditionally and stayed together in love. She knew what love is and yet deprived some families from having this.
As she walked towards the door, she knew she had to pay for all these; her sins were all plain to her. Few meters away, she saw the door and written on it was, ‘Door of Condemnation, Guilt and Destruction’. She knew that door was meant for her, her sins have condemned her, her guilt was all over her and she is meant for destruction. Her eyes were fixed on the door as tears stream down her face.
Just then, she noticed a man standing not too far away from the door; at first she tried to ignore him and still focus on the door but couldn’t take her eyes off him. He was dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash round his chest. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace. All around him was pure light, without an atom of impurity or darkness. He looked straight at her and it felt like fire going through her, only it wasn’t painful or consuming, it was like a kind of fire ready to burn every impurity in her, it went into her like rushing waters.
She stood still, unable to beyond his face. She was breathless; again, her feet were failing her as they started to tremble; she leaned against the wall behind her and shivered in fear. The darkness all around her was fading, the illuminating light from the man was overcoming the whole place. She felt as if the whole place was shaking; she couldn’t understand how a presence of a man could do all these. His light illuminated the whole place.
Suddenly, the whole place became calm and right in front of her is the man. He was filled with holiness and beauty beyond words.
“I have to go through that door,” she whimpered. “I can’t stand here with you….” She cried, afraid to look at him. She knew what she was, and couldn’t bear to be in the presence of a man with so much light, holiness and beauty.
“Why?” His voice was gentle and soothing.
“Because I am wicked……, can’t you see me?” She cried, showing all the labels of her deeds on her.
“I am destined to that door……” she was afraid to look up but the hollow in his hands caught her attention.
He noticed her intense gaze on his hands. “I did this for you…” he said to her.
“Me!” she gasped. “How? Why?”
“I paid the price for all your sins; of every sin, shame and condemnation; I paid the price so you wouldn’t have to go through that door...” he pointed to the door.
Annette shook her head vigorously.
“No, you don’t understand; I am a terrible person, I have done so much evil and no one can save me.”
He smiled softly at her. “I am that I am; I am the God of mercy, I have given my life for all your sins so you don’t have to live in condemnation. I will forgive your sins and give you a renewed, restored life, a life without blemish….”
“But my sins are many….” She interrupted.
He lowered himself to her position; his face was pure, filled with kindness, love and holiness; she saw the greatness in him, yet his humility and love went before him. He is God and yet spoke to a mere person like her.
“I have already paid for them all….” He said in the most assuring voice. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
That verse was familiar to her, she’s heard so many born-again Christian quote that to her several times but she’s only laughed at them but today, it held a great importance to her.
“I have paid the price Annette, I gave my life for you….All you have to do is confess and repent of your sins. I love you.” He looked straight into her eyes.
“Me…” she whimpered.
“Yes, you!” he smiled at her.
The truth of his words pierced into her; she felt safe and secured in his presence, she knew only He can save her from all her sins. She broke down in tears and begged for mercy, she cried for his forgiveness of all her sins, to wash away every iniquity from her. She confessed every wrong she’s done and continued to weep at his feet.
Is there anyone feeling this way today? Are you surrounded by your sins and condemned by them? You feel guilty by the things you’ve done; you think forgiveness and redemption is far away from you? No! You have condemned yourself long enough; there is no sin that is too big that the Lord cannot forgive. The past sins still hold you tight; the ones you cling unto, pulling you down towards the door of destruction. It is time to do away with them, it is time to go to the throne of mercy and grace and ask for forgiveness.
The enemy makes you feel so guilty and you think God can never forgive you; he reminds you of how many people you have hurt, many terrible things you have done, he tells you no forgiveness can come to you but that is a big lie. If you confess and forsake your sin, God is able to forgive you. God sure doesn’t like the things you have done but he still loves you and wants you to come back to him.
Stop condemning yourself, stop it! Go before your maker today and He will take the reproach away; He will forgive your sins and heal your heart; he will wash you from every impurity and give you a clean slate. Your sins, he will remember no more. He will take the guilt away."
You don’t know where to start; why don’t you start by kneeling before His throne of mercy and ask Him to forgive you. Read the words in Psalms 51.
God bless. http://www.circlesoflove.co.uk/blog/the-guilt-in-me- www.circlesoflove.co.uk
© Circlesoflove 2013