#16--A GREAT BEGINNING

[Anja]

I just stopped by to see what's happening here and to add a comment about opening lines . . . pages . . . and chapters.

I'm reading a novel right now that I almost "shelved" before I'd finished the first page. I'm up to page 103 now, and still wondering if my life will be any better for having read this book.

It's too bad, because the premise is good, the struggle between eastern and western Christianity, Rome and Byzantium, during the time of the Crusades, with a little Middle Ages medicine thrown in. My favourite kind of book, a "hist-myst."

But my observations . . .

1. The first paragraph is wordy, detailed, and confusing, with no clear definition of time and place and "who."

2. Throughout the first paragraph, pages, and all the way to page 103, there are references to prior happenings, done in such a way to be vague, and the "tone" is that the reader should be able to decipher the "information."

It's not done in a "hook" kind of way, luring the reader in with a bit of mystery . . . but rather, it makes me think I'm reading a sequel, not a "stand alone" book, as the publishers have declared in the fly leaf. As if I should know this information, and can start gathering clues or at least forming an affinity with the MC.

Perhaps, the author is thinking she is building suspense by being clever and vague, but the overall result is confusing.

3. I'm fairly sure the withheld "tidbits" have NO bearing on the outcome of the story. It's a cheap shot, then.

I've learned from this novel, and the two I've just read, also about "church" in the Middles Ages, that it's just fine to reveal information in an obvious way and STILL maintain an aura of mystery. If you're wanting to leave clues right from the opening lines, be smart about it.

[writemefaithful]

How does this sound?

The war-ravaged boy knelt in the surrounding blood and wept.

[glorybee]

I like that much better. I'd still put a hyphen in your adjective phrase (war-ravaged), and I'd probably eliminate the comma--but it's a tighter sentence, and much stronger than your first one.

Well done! Do you have a story in mind for this one, or was it simply an exercise for my 'homework'?

[writemefaithful]

Just doing the homework. Thanks for the opportunity.

[FirstLove]

Well! I just stopped by to learn a few things, and indeed I did.

Now, as soon as I can figure out how to share links with my newbie friends on the boards, I'm gonna copy this one.

I wish learning writing had been this fun in college...I might have kept going with it.

Thanks for the help here...I'm going to continue my perusing and learning now.

Love,
Debbie

[Shann]

If you want to share a page your go to the page you want and up at the top where you type the page you want that's called the URL. So copy the address you highlight the URL right click on the mouse and choices will come up. click on copy then go to where youwant to paste it and right click again this time on mouse. There's fancy ways to get the the title up. I know I probably simplified it for you, but I wanted anyone reading it who might not know about computers to understand. Here's a link that might help.

viewforum.php

and this-link hopefully will explain better than I can.

viewtopic.php?f=35&t=3706

Good luck if this doesn't help don't be afraid to ask again.

[FirstLove]

Thank you, Shann!

Got the basics on how to post a link.

Now I just need to learn how to change the title of the link. Like the smarties who post click:

Here

To get one to a specific link...I like that!

Thanks for any help.

Love,
Debbie

[glorybee]

Debbie, here are the steps for making linked text.

1. copy the URL of the page that you want to link by highlighting it, then right clicking and selecting 'copy'. (Just in case you're not sure, the URL is that long string of characters beginning with http://www, etc.)

2. open the text box here on the message boards--either a 'reply' box or a 'new thread' box.

3. type the following string of HTML characters, but don't type them on separate lines, as I've done it here--type them all as one continuous string.

[url=
paste the url by right clicking and selecting 'paste'
]
type the text you want linked
[/url]

4. When you click 'submit', your text should show up as a link. Go ahead and try it--maybe linking to a previous entry of yours, or to a favorite website. If you type any of the characters wrong, the link won't work--but as an admin, I'll be able to see what you did wrong and tell you what needs to be tweaked.

[FirstLove]

HappyMayDay

Thank you, Jan! I got it this time...

Love, Debbie

[Lillie22]

Alright, I will give it a shot.
In Beginners:

"Mauled to the brink of a bloody collapse, his accuser fled out of site."


Well, Hope you like it. I didn't want to overthink it, Or did I?

[glorybee]

Alright, I will give it a shot.
In Beginners:

"Mauled to the brink of a bloody collapse, his accuser fled out of site."


Well, Hope you like it. I didn't want to overthink it, Or did I?

Lillie, this has a lot going for it--some superb word choices and lots of action, and you definitely introduced the conflict.

However, here are a few things to consider:

It's unclear if the person who was mauled is also the accuser, because of the way you arranged the sentence. The words after the comma--'his accuser'--are the ones being modified by that first phrase (mauled to the brink of a bloody collapse). I'm pretty sure that's not what you intended. It should probably be something like this: As Joe slumped to the floor, mauled to the brink of a bloody collapse, his accuser fled the site.

Got it? Let me know if I haven't been clear. No coffee yet today.

[KailynRae]

Our local newscaster just gave a nice opening line: "Just when you thought you could relax, the US economy took a broadside hit tonight."

This is not my usual genre, but how about:

Jharek perched on the ledge of an open window high above the palace walls; he had been hiding there all day, avoiding the prying eyes of his little sister, Shayen.

[glorybee]

Kailyn--very, very good!

[cdafrica]

Hi All!

I'm new here! I realize that this post is old, so I don't know if anyone is still posting here. Anyways, I'm new at writing too. Here is my first sentence to my story.

I was awoken by a chain like sound and realized it was the Aberrats unlocking our cell.

I need all the help I can get

Thanks!
~Cara

[glorybee]

Cara, that first sentence has some good things going for it. It's intriguing, it's got action and interesting words, and it places the reader in another time and place.

I'd change it just slightly. Here's your version:

I was awoken by a chain like sound and realized it was the Aberrats unlocking our cell.

Here's the edit:

I was awakened by a chain-like sound and I realized it was the Aberrats unlocking our cell.

I substituted "awakened" for "awoken" (a more contemporary word). I hyphenated "chain-like" to make it a legitimate adjective, and I repreated the subject ("I") in your compound sentence.

I'm so glad you're thinking about these things, and welcome to FaithWriters and the forums!