writemefaithful wrote:In the mirror stood a war ravaged boy, surrounded by the pond of human bodies
writemefaithful, there are some powerful imagers in this first sentence, and I especially like the phrase 'war-ravaged boy' (note that I'd put a hyphen in the first word). It's obvious that something horrific has happened, and I want to move on and read more.
I have a few issues with the sentence, though. First, I'm not sure if the mirror is needed. I read someone recently advise that there's rarely a good reason to have a character look in the mirror (I wish I remember where I read that), and in this case, he's not really even looking in the mirror, he's standing
in it--a phrase that I found a bit awkward.
And I'm not sure if the word 'pond' is the best to describe the human bodies. I think of a pond as a very small, shallow body of water--if your intent is to show that he's got bodies all around, you might want 'ocean' or 'sea'. Beyond that, if I use 'pond' as a metaphor, it's because of the liquid nature of the pond, or its quiet peacefulness--none of those seem to fit this situation. 'Ocean' or 'sea', despite being watery, too, don't really have the 'peaceful' connotation, and have often been used as metaphors for lots of bodies--but more often living
crowds (like at Disney World).
I love that your sentence is short, using some top-notch words and images, and that it makes me think, above all--why is this boy here? What has happened? That's the most important quality of a good first sentence.
Thanks for stopping by!