Cindy, I love how you took my scenario and looked at it from the POV of the 'something shiny'--I beleive you're the only person to do that, and for that I give you a belated gold star (I've been on vacation, sorry).
flyingcross wrote:“Only one person, that’s all I need--one person to care.” The fallen angel’s light glowed softly, beckoning someone, anyone to help her.
She was cast out, but had fallen hard, and without that one person she would die. She cried out, and her beacon glowed, but was slowly fading.
She felt them looking at her, hundreds of them flashing by with the soft whoosh of tires and intermittent horn, even loud music filtered to her as she lay in the ditch. They were all curious, but no one had time, she felt it all as her light started to go out. “Not one person,” she sighed.
Then she saw blonde curls and smiles. “Mommy, I told you I saw something shiny.”
“I know honey, I saw it too. I was just in such a hurry.”
The child picks up the injured puppy and reads its shiny tag-- “Angel”.
Thanks,
Cindy
A few things you might want to work on: the two sentences I have highlighted in green both contain comma splices, and the verbs highlighted in red are problematical--they are present tense verbs, while the rest of the verbs in your snippet are past tense verbs. The only one that might work is 'smiles' if you meant it as a plural noun rather than a verb--but that's a problem, too, as it's easily mis-read.
Those are very minor tweaks in a very creative bit of writing--well done! And your 'every day/everyday' homework was well done, too! Thanks for contributing to this lesson!
