flyingcross wrote: Jan shuffled into her house after a seemingly endless day at work. She’d been dreaming of ice cold soda and leftover cake since her breakfast of unbuttered toast.
Slipping off her shoes that seemed two sizes smaller since morning, she gingerly made her way into the kitchen--the cool tile feeling good on her feet. “Ow,” she uttered under her breath. Raising her foot, she looked at a tiny lego like an earring dangling from her heel. Thanks nephew, what a wonderful end to my day.
Hi, Cindy--welcome! Never too late...
This is a fine re-write, with almost all of the useless junk taken out, and still enough interesting stuff left in. Here are a few "gentle" suggestions:
I'd take out 'seemingly' in the 1st paragraph. Her day wasn't literally endless, sure, but it's understood that that's hyperbole, and it's more effective without the modifier.
I'd leave out 'gingerly' in the 2nd paragraph. Those -ly adjectives don't really add to most sentences, and 'gingerly' implies that she knows there are hazards on the floor.
'Uttered' just means 'said', and isn't really needed there. 'Muttered' would be better, and then you can leave out 'under her breath.
The visual of the Lego dangling is a little bit weird--was there a hook? It seems more likely to me that the Lego would be stuck or embedded than dangling.
That last sentence was great (although I think she'd use his name rather than 'nephew'). It's a fun bit of characterization; it helps the reader to know Jan and her mood, and her reaction to irritation. Could you put it in italics to indicate thought?
So wonderful to see you here, and I hope you'll come back Monday for the next class!