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semmie wrote:Question: Most of the adverbs and adjectives in this exercise were redundant (ie: "dark ebony" and "sugary saccharine", etc.); is redundancy the only issue? Or is it possible to describe too much unnecessarily? Sorry if this has been addressed already. I wanted to submit my efforts before reading all of the posts.
Green Leaves wrote:If I may, Jan, I'd like to give some examples, coming from a "poet", when I've used BOTH verbs and nouns AND adjectives in poetry to make my point. Then I'd like your feedback on it, okay?
The first, using mostly nouns and verbs, taken from my poem, "The Book Of My Life":
Dip Your pen within my spirit
With heaven's ink still write,
Though my past may hint of darkness
Still my future can be bright.
For the blots are now behind me,
Heaven's hand now writes each script,
And my future's paved with promise
In God's hands I'm firmly gripped.
The second, uses more adjectives, I think. It is taken from my poem, "Jonah" for children:
Three days and nights Jonah lay in his belly,
He prayed to God as his knees turned to jelly.
God saw Jonah's sorrow; He heard and forgave,
The fish coughed him up in the vast briny wave.
Can't you just see it...upchucked by a fish?
Oh, what a delightful, delicious old dish!
But Jonah unharmed swore his God to obey,
And onward he marched praising God all the way.
Would love your input on this, in regard to your lesson here.
DanielK wrote:It was an exhausted Jan who staggered into her house at the end of a seemingly endless day at work. She slipped off her dark shoes at the door and plodded unenthusiastically toward the kitchen. All she wanted was an ice-cold soda and something sugary to chew on—perhaps there was some leftover cake in the refrigerator.
“Ow!” she exclaimed, as pain shot up her leg. She lifted up her left foot and discovered the culprit: firmly embedded in her soft heel was a single, minuscule Lego. It had escaped being tidied away after her nephew's visit the day before.
That's my version of it. Hope you like it!
flyingcross wrote: Jan shuffled into her house after a seemingly endless day at work. She’d been dreaming of ice cold soda and leftover cake since her breakfast of unbuttered toast.
Slipping off her shoes that seemed two sizes smaller since morning, she gingerly made her way into the kitchen--the cool tile feeling good on her feet. “Ow,” she uttered under her breath. Raising her foot, she looked at a tiny lego like an earring dangling from her heel. Thanks nephew, what a wonderful end to my day.
JesusPuppy wrote:A lot of the adverbs and stuff I felt were not needed. Yes, it gave a more flowery feel to it, but detracted from the info needed in what was said. Such as the color of her shoe or how the frig looked... I mean really as long as it held that peice of cake.
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