Okay, Ruth, thanks for being a great sport, like Barb.browniesgal wrote:Bone tired, Jan shuffled through her door, slipped off her shoes, and thanked God her day was over. Her thoughts had drifted to the rewards in the 'fridge, a diet soda and chocolate cake perhaps.
"Ow!" what did I step on? Pain shot through her heel. She raised her foot and saw the little red offender, a Lego, left from yesterday by my nephew, no doubt.
The main problem I see here is pretty easy to fix, and has to do with indicating thoughts. You've got the italics bit down pat, but a few other machanics need tweaking. Here's my corrected version:
Bone tired, Jan shuffled through her door, clipped off her shoes, and thanked God her day was over. Her thoughts had drifted to the rewards in the fridge. A diet soda and chocolate cake, perhaps.
"Ow! What did I step on?" Pain shot through her heel. She raised her heel and saw the little red offender. A Lego, left from yesterday by my nephew, no doubt.
Each thought stands alone, not connected to the previous sentence by a comma. Also, the close quote mark was moved to after 'on' rather than after 'ow'.
The last thing I'd like you to think about for future writings is how people really talk and think. I wonder if a gal by herself in her house would actually say "Ow! What did I step on?" More likely, she'd just say "Ow!" And that last bit of thought about the nephew just doesn't ring true. I'd have written something like Shawn's Lego...
What do you think?