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Jan's Master Class--Quatrain

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

Moderators: mikeedwards, glorybee

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yvonne
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Postby yvonne » Tue Oct 13, 2009 12:17 pm

Yes, Kenn Allan is a great poet!

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Postby latebloomer1 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:03 pm

Hows this for a humble try?

I see the rhyming on the board
I ponder it a while
I try to write the perfect chord
So everyone can smile

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:06 pm

latebloomer1 wrote:Hows this for a humble try?

I see the rhyming on the board
I ponder it a while
I try to write the perfect chord
So everyone can smile


Oh, cute! You got me smiling--I always love to see new people on this thread. Your quatrain is delightful.

What shall we call you? Late?
Jan Ackerson

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Postby pheeweed » Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:51 pm

Quatrains are a lot harder than haiku. Rhyme and meter! By the time I found them, I almost lost the message. Here's my attempt (after going to a neice's wedding).

The vows are short, the kiss is long
And the dancers spin with zest;
But can the union go on strong
If the Bridegroom’s not a guest?

Phee
Phee
A friend of the Bridegroom

http://www.delightedmeditations.blogspot.com

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 NLT

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:20 pm

pheeweed wrote:Quatrains are a lot harder than haiku. Rhyme and meter! By the time I found them, I almost lost the message. Here's my attempt (after going to a neice's wedding).

The vows are short, the kiss is long
And the dancers spin with zest;
But can the union go on strong
If the Bridegroom’s not a guest?

Phee


Phee, you did a fine job! Love the zinger in the last line.

This one gives me a good opportunity to talk about "forced rhyme". You really needed something to rhyme with "guest", since that's the most important line of the quatrian...but is "dancers spin with zest" the best one? To me, it's slightly awkward...

Have you ever visited rhymezone.com? You can enter a word, and get a whole list of word that rhyme with it. So for "guest", here are some others that might work:

blessed, dressed, fest, caressed, impressed, best...

So how about this, instead?

The vows are short, the kiss is long
The marriage has been blessed;
But can the union go on strong
If the Bridegroom’s not a guest?

or...

The vows are short, the kiss is long
And the catering is the best;
But can the union go on strong
If the Bridegroom’s not a guest?

Something to think about, perhaps...
Jan Ackerson

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Postby pheeweed » Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:26 pm

glorybee wrote:
This one gives me a good opportunity to talk about "forced rhyme". You really needed something to rhyme with "guest", since that's the most important line of the quatrian...but is "dancers spin with zest" the best one? To me, it's slightly awkward...

Have you ever visited rhymezone.com? You can enter a word, and get a whole list of word that rhyme with it. So for "guest", here are some others that might work:



You just affirmed the process I went through. I started with a first line that didn't go anywhere so I realized I needed to get the last line right, since it was the important one. Then I went looking for rhymes for guest. Thanks for introducing me to rhymezone, I'm going to bookmark it. This is hard!

Phee
Phee
A friend of the Bridegroom

http://www.delightedmeditations.blogspot.com

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 NLT

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The Journey Home

Postby OldManRivers » Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:38 pm

Through the frozen moonlight and across the virgin snow,
I make the lonely journey to the home I've yet to know,
still I can feel the warmth of a hearth that waits for me,
in a cabin in the woods, in a land I've yet to see.
May God's gentle grace be with you.

Jim McWhinnie

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My first go.

Postby colin_nielsen » Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:05 pm

The Serpent hides behind The Rock
his fangs he does extend
to quickly strike a sleeping flock
so innocence will end.

Point is that Satan, who is the serpent, is ultimately behind any instance and cover-up of child abuse that happens within the church.
I know, pretty heavy. Not as fluffy as some.

Rhyme scheme abab and 8,6,8,6
Why would a young man live in a wasteland when the castle of his dreams is standing by?
Why would a princess put on an old dress to dance with her beloved and the chance to catch his eye?

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Re: The Journey Home

Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:22 pm

OldManRivers wrote:Through the frozen moonlight and across the virgin snow,
I make the lonely journey to the home I've yet to know,
still I can feel the warmth of a hearth that waits for me,
in a cabin in the woods, in a land I've yet to see.


Oh Jim, how pretty! Your last four words made my heart thump.
Jan Ackerson

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Re: My first go.

Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:24 pm

colin_nielsen wrote:The Serpent hides behind The Rock
his fangs he does extend
to quickly strike a sleeping flock
so innocence will end.

Point is that Satan, who is the serpent, is ultimately behind any instance and cover-up of child abuse that happens within the church.
I know, pretty heavy. Not as fluffy as some.

Rhyme scheme abab and 8,6,8,6


Very good, Colin! And your explanation wasn't even necessary; your poem's metaphor is quite clear!
Jan Ackerson

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Postby Symphonic » Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:13 pm

I'm joining this discussion rather late, but I've enjoyed reading what everyone has written. Beautiful poetry!

Before I make my weak little contribution, one quick comment on meter. If you love hymns, you may have noticed that hymnals often have metrical indexes in the back. You can choose a favorite hymn tune and pair it with a different set of words... or vice versa. Great fun!

Okay, here's mine... such as it is:

A quatrain! Just four lines to make
A point with lucid brevity;
But just one misplaced syllable
Means unintended levity.


Carol S.
Carol S.

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yvonne
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Re: The Journey Home

Postby yvonne » Wed Oct 14, 2009 6:08 am

OldManRivers wrote:Through the frozen moonlight and across the virgin snow,
I make the lonely journey to the home I've yet to know,
still I can feel the warmth of a hearth that waits for me,
in a cabin in the woods, in a land I've yet to see.


Oh, I love this one!
There so much symbolism in it.
Wow... the more I read it, the more I see.
Well done!

Vonnie

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:55 am

Symphonic wrote:A quatrain! Just four lines to make
A point with lucid brevity;
But just one misplaced syllable
Means unintended levity.


Carol S.


Carol, how true! Thanks for your tip about the metrical indexes in hymnals.

I was halfway expecting your last line to read...

Means unintentional levity

...just to prove your own point!

Very clever, dear!
Jan Ackerson

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:59 am

Well, kiddos, I've decided not to post a class for next week, but I'll definitely be back the week after that. My 'to-do" list just got too long, and "write poetry class" kept getting poked to the bottom of the list.

I'll check my computer in the evenings while we're on vacation, so I'll still be able to comment on addititions to this thread, but don't hold your breath waiting for an immediate response.

And as I said before...I'd love it if you'd go to your local library and check out a poetry anthology. Study the masters...read their poems out loud, to get a feel for the rhythm and the music...try to write a poem that emulates one that touches your heart.

See you in a few days!
Jan Ackerson

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Postby GShuler » Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:55 am

This is NOT deep but at least the ryhme, meter and accents are identical in each line of the poem... even though the length of the lines vary. That is really all I was trying to do.


I recall when I was small
and little things still mattered
I gave a frog to Sally Ann...
She wasn't even flattered.

Time passed by and left me changed
From child to gangly lad
But Sally Ann still shunned my hand...
She saw me as a cad.

Then in church I met the Lord;
I learned to live His way.
A brand new man won Sally Ann
And she's my wife today.
I had something really memorable to write here but I forgot what it was.
Gerald Shuler

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