Jer2911 wrote:Alright... Here is my attempt...
I am shaken and weak
I feel the darkness reaching around
I can almost not speak
I shall no longer hear any sound
It's a great first attempt! You've got an (abab) rhyme pattern (weak, around, speak, sound) in a 4-line poem.
I think the meter could use a little tweak (I'll get to that in a minute), and I'm not sure that it works as a complete
poem. There are too many unanswered questions: why are you in this condition? what happened? can it be fixed? So it seems more like the beginning of a longer poem, perhaps written in several quatrains--and that's fine.
Now, about the meter. If you didn't read my post in red, above, make sure you do that. If I count the syllables of your quatrain, I get (6,9,6,9)--great!
But when I look at the stressed and unstressed syllalbles, I get something like this:
i am SHA ken and WEAK
i feel the DARK ness REACH ing a ROUND
i can AL most not SPEAK
i shall NO long er HEAR an y SOUND
The problem is with lines 2 and 4, which "stumble" a bit, rhythmically.
Usually, when a quatrain has a long line and a short line, the long lines are 1 and 3, and the short ones are 2 and 4.
Care to try again? I'm very intrigued by this one, and would love to see it polished up...it's moody and interesting!