Jan's Poetry Class: Haiku

[yvonne]

The last line of this has too much SUBJECTIVE in it, right?

Flaming orange and red
Exploding with a final bang
Goodbye, farewell, gone.


Let me see if I can fix it....

Flaming orange and red
Exploding with a final bang;
Falling, dying, gone.

[yvonne]

Thirteen pounds of speckled black
Hurtle down the lane
Ten pins explode on contact

Giggle... the dyslexic haiku !


love you, Cat...really..((hugs))

Vonnie

[glorybee]

Yvonne, your revised example seems just right to me!

[yvonne]

It's hard NOT putting in the opinionated words!
(I actually like the first version better..shhhhh)

[Colswann1]

Another try - I may get it right eventually.

Leaves' arms reach skyward,
Tugging to be free from earth,
Yet anchored by strength.

[glorybee]

Leafs' arms reach skyward,
Tugging to be free from earth,
Yet anchored by strength.

There you go, Colin! Very nice personification in this one, with the leaves reaching and yearning.

Well done!

[swfdoc1]

It's hard NOT putting in the opinionated words!
(I actually like the first version better..shhhhh)

Yes, it can be hard. You picked up on a kind of subjectiveness in your own writing that was more subtle than I even tried to discuss or illustrate.

Interestingly, as a reader, I like the second version better. The juxtaposition between the glory of the color while the leaves are still on the tree with the image of departure, death, and decay (or extinguishing) is more powerful than just the "goodbye" version.

[Verna]

So glad you're back, Jan, and Steve, too.

Moon on blue ocean
Smiles at his own reflection
Waving back to him.

[glorybee]

Moon on blue ocean
Smiles at his own reflection
Waving back to him.

Verna, I love this one! I live in the wrong state, that's for sure...no ocean near me, and this makes me homesick for my daughter's place in Florida.

[Toni Star]

Jan,

Following your guidelines for haiku...wanted to give this a try...

The beauty of Camelot I will never forget
Dreams of glory, too good to be true
Haunt my autumn evenings with tears of sadness..

Toni

[glorybee]

The beauty of Camelot I will never forget
Dreams of glory, too good to be true
Haunt my autumn evenings with tears of sadness..

Toni, this meets some of the requirements for a haiku, but not all. It's got three unrhymed lines, and it's got a seasonal reference...but the syllable count, which is very important for a haiku, is off by quite a bit.

The first line should have 5 syllables (yours has 13)
The second line should have 7 syllables (yours has 9)
The third line should have 5 syllables (yours has 11).

A possible re-write that still captures the lovely mood of your poem:

Camelot remains
Dreams of glory, unfulfilled
Haunt my autumn nights

It's very, VERY restrictive, isn't it? Just those 17 little syllables? But it forces you to pick words very carefully.

Care to give it another shot?

[Toni Star]

Maybe this?


Camelot dreams
Glory that was mislaid
Transform autumn evenings

[glorybee]

Maybe this?


Camelot dreams
Glory that was mislaid
Transform autumn evenings

Much closer, Toni! It's definitely got more of the haiku "feel"--sparse, with just a flash of an image.

Here's your syllable count (still not quite right, but close)

Cam e lot dreams (4)
Glo ry that was mis laid (6)
Trans form aut umn eve nings (6)

So you're only one syllable off on each line. Good job, and a very pretty poem!

[Toni Star]

Thanks, Jan...This is fun and I'm learning more about poetry and its different forms. I'm also learning another way to express myself in writing..

Toni

[CherieAnn]

This is my first Jan's class! And my first haiku since elementary school. We'll see how it goes....


Fields of yellow orange
North Dakota sunflowers
Standing tall as me.


"Orange" is one syllable where I'm from, so I think that's acceptable.
And here is my silly one; it breaks the ryhming rule and (I think)the subjective:

I would like to rhyme
Me a silly little line
And I hope that's fine!