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Jan's Poetry Class: Haiku

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

Moderators: mikeedwards, glorybee

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yvonne
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Postby yvonne » Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:39 am

The last line of this has too much SUBJECTIVE in it, right?

Flaming orange and red
Exploding with a final bang
Goodbye, farewell, gone.


Let me see if I can fix it....

Flaming orange and red
Exploding with a final bang;
Falling, dying, gone.

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yvonne
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Postby yvonne » Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:41 am

CatLin wrote:Thirteen pounds of speckled black
Hurtle down the lane
Ten pins explode on contact



Giggle... the dyslexic haiku ! :heehee


love you, Cat...really..((hugs))

Vonnie

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:43 am

Yvonne, your revised example seems just right to me!
Jan Ackerson

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yvonne
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Postby yvonne » Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:46 am

It's hard NOT putting in the opinionated words!
(I actually like the first version better..shhhhh)

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Colswann1
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Postby Colswann1 » Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:04 am

Another try - I may get it right eventually.

Leaves' arms reach skyward,
Tugging to be free from earth,
Yet anchored by strength.
Last edited by Colswann1 on Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
Colin Swann

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glorybee
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Postby glorybee » Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:12 am

Colswann1 wrote:Leafs' arms reach skyward,
Tugging to be free from earth,
Yet anchored by strength.


There you go, Colin! Very nice personification in this one, with the leaves reaching and yearning.

Well done!
Jan Ackerson

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Postby swfdoc1 » Wed Oct 07, 2009 9:04 am

yvonne wrote:It's hard NOT putting in the opinionated words!
(I actually like the first version better..shhhhh)


Yes, it can be hard. You picked up on a kind of subjectiveness in your own writing that was more subtle than I even tried to discuss or illustrate.

Interestingly, as a reader, I like the second version better. The juxtaposition between the glory of the color while the leaves are still on the tree with the image of departure, death, and decay (or extinguishing) is more powerful than just the "goodbye" version.
Steve
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“The chief purpose of life … is to increase according to our capacity our knowledge of God by all the means we have, and to be moved by it to praise and thanks. To do as we say in the Gloria in Excelsis ... We praise you, we call you holy, we worship you, we proclaim your glory, we thank you for the greatness of your splendor.” J.R.R. Tolkien

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Verna
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Postby Verna » Wed Oct 07, 2009 3:45 pm

So glad you're back, Jan, and Steve, too.

Moon on blue ocean
Smiles at his own reflection
Waving back to him.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

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Postby glorybee » Wed Oct 07, 2009 4:12 pm

Verna wrote:Moon on blue ocean
Smiles at his own reflection
Waving back to him.


Verna, I love this one! I live in the wrong state, that's for sure...no ocean near me, and this makes me homesick for my daughter's place in Florida.
Jan Ackerson

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Toni Star
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Wanted to try...

Postby Toni Star » Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:38 pm

Jan,

Following your guidelines for haiku...wanted to give this a try...

The beauty of Camelot I will never forget
Dreams of glory, too good to be true
Haunt my autumn evenings with tears of sadness..

Toni
Toni Star, freelance writer/editor and graduate student

"Never give up, for there is always an answer for everyone who seeks, knocks or asks."

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glorybee
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Re: Wanted to try...

Postby glorybee » Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:46 pm

Toni Star wrote:The beauty of Camelot I will never forget
Dreams of glory, too good to be true
Haunt my autumn evenings with tears of sadness..


Toni, this meets some of the requirements for a haiku, but not all. It's got three unrhymed lines, and it's got a seasonal reference...but the syllable count, which is very important for a haiku, is off by quite a bit.

The first line should have 5 syllables (yours has 13)
The second line should have 7 syllables (yours has 9)
The third line should have 5 syllables (yours has 11).

A possible re-write that still captures the lovely mood of your poem:

Camelot remains
Dreams of glory, unfulfilled
Haunt my autumn nights

It's very, VERY restrictive, isn't it? Just those 17 little syllables? But it forces you to pick words very carefully.

Care to give it another shot?
Jan Ackerson

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Toni Star
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Trying again...

Postby Toni Star » Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:54 pm

Maybe this?


Camelot dreams
Glory that was mislaid
Transform autumn evenings
Toni Star, freelance writer/editor and graduate student

"Never give up, for there is always an answer for everyone who seeks, knocks or asks."

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glorybee
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Re: Trying again...

Postby glorybee » Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:59 pm

Toni Star wrote:Maybe this?


Camelot dreams
Glory that was mislaid
Transform autumn evenings


Much closer, Toni! It's definitely got more of the haiku "feel"--sparse, with just a flash of an image.

Here's your syllable count (still not quite right, but close)

Cam e lot dreams (4)
Glo ry that was mis laid (6)
Trans form aut umn eve nings (6)

So you're only one syllable off on each line. Good job, and a very pretty poem!
Jan Ackerson

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Toni Star
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Thank you....

Postby Toni Star » Sun Oct 11, 2009 3:05 pm

Thanks, Jan...This is fun and I'm learning more about poetry and its different forms. I'm also learning another way to express myself in writing..

Toni
Toni Star, freelance writer/editor and graduate student

"Never give up, for there is always an answer for everyone who seeks, knocks or asks."

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Postby CherieAnn » Sun Oct 11, 2009 5:23 pm

This is my first Jan's class! And my first haiku since elementary school. We'll see how it goes....


Fields of yellow orange
North Dakota sunflowers
Standing tall as me.


"Orange" is one syllable where I'm from, so I think that's acceptable.
And here is my silly one; it breaks the ryhming rule and (I think)the subjective:

I would like to rhyme
Me a silly little line
And I hope that's fine!

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