Verna, I certainly agree about Dee's story!
You're excused....poor puppy!
Jan's Master Class--SETTING
Moderators: mikeedwards, RedBaron, glorybee, mikeedwards, RedBaron, glorybee, mikeedwards, RedBaron, glorybee
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
Setting
I chose this setting because in the dungeon of the tent it compounded the desolation that Miriam was experiencing because of the error of her way.
Link to this piece:
http://faithwriters.com/wc-article-leve ... p?id=23041
ps I submitted Slant Rhyme when you can get to it.
Link to this piece:
http://faithwriters.com/wc-article-leve ... p?id=23041
ps I submitted Slant Rhyme when you can get to it.
Colin Swann
Jesus’ love is constant and never wavers.
Jesus’ love is constant and never wavers.
Excellent job with the setting in your Biblical story, Colin! You chose some really excellent descriptive words that all added to the tone of bleakness.
Sorry I haven't gotten to all your posts yet--been gone for a few days. I'll try to catch up soon!
Sorry I haven't gotten to all your posts yet--been gone for a few days. I'll try to catch up soon!
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
Okay, Jan, I was scanning some of the old classes, and the assignment for this one snatched me and got me intrigued.
Perhaps you will be interested to know I actually used the Pop-O-Matic from my kids' "Trouble" game to get my characters, etc. (I thought it was interesting, anyway!!) And, by the way, I'm writing this right here in the submission box (this isn't a challenge entry, after all! LOL)
I got:
1. preacher
2. waitress
3. busy city
4. 1603
5. shoe
**
People have been coming in all afternoon. The coronation of James this week has made this little tavern even busier than usual. And the talk is constant and heated. Sure, he'd done fine as king of Ireland and Scotland, but this was England.
Personally, it makes no difference to me. What I really need is to get off my feet. Serving all these men their meals is making my too-small shoes nearly burst. I wonder if the proprietor would allow me to work barefoot.
Before I get a chance to ask, I see a regular walk in. My countenance changes immediately. My wonderful husband, Preacher Stewart, saunters in and sits at a nearby table.
I hobble toward him, after getting the okay from the proprietor. "Don't be long, Miss. We have paying customers here."
"My dear, I have wonderful news." He hands me a lumpy cloth.
I unwrap it and squeal. A new pair of shoes. What a treat, and they are lovely. I slip out of my old ones and put on these, better-fitting ones.
"Don't wear them out, my dear," he says with a sparkle in his eye. "I'm doing the invocation at the coronation, and you'll be right beside me."
*
Not sure it's very good, but it was fun to write anyway. And I think I did a fair job of showing the setting.
Perhaps you will be interested to know I actually used the Pop-O-Matic from my kids' "Trouble" game to get my characters, etc. (I thought it was interesting, anyway!!) And, by the way, I'm writing this right here in the submission box (this isn't a challenge entry, after all! LOL)
I got:
1. preacher
2. waitress
3. busy city
4. 1603
5. shoe
**
People have been coming in all afternoon. The coronation of James this week has made this little tavern even busier than usual. And the talk is constant and heated. Sure, he'd done fine as king of Ireland and Scotland, but this was England.
Personally, it makes no difference to me. What I really need is to get off my feet. Serving all these men their meals is making my too-small shoes nearly burst. I wonder if the proprietor would allow me to work barefoot.
Before I get a chance to ask, I see a regular walk in. My countenance changes immediately. My wonderful husband, Preacher Stewart, saunters in and sits at a nearby table.
I hobble toward him, after getting the okay from the proprietor. "Don't be long, Miss. We have paying customers here."
"My dear, I have wonderful news." He hands me a lumpy cloth.
I unwrap it and squeal. A new pair of shoes. What a treat, and they are lovely. I slip out of my old ones and put on these, better-fitting ones.
"Don't wear them out, my dear," he says with a sparkle in his eye. "I'm doing the invocation at the coronation, and you'll be right beside me."
*
Not sure it's very good, but it was fun to write anyway. And I think I did a fair job of showing the setting.
Joanne Sher
FaithWriters Writing Challenge Coordinator
FaithWriters Blogger
FaithWriters Blog
My Profile
My Site
Me on Facebook
FaithWriters Writing Challenge Coordinator
FaithWriters Blogger
FaithWriters Blog
My Profile
My Site
Me on Facebook
Joanne, that was Pop-o-matically fun! Yes, you showed the setting very well...and I love the ending. You're such a fun writer.
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
Can't sleep so I'm trolling around here and reading old lessons. Hope you don't mind, Miss Jan.
Here's my homework.
The only sound in the usually busy city was the twittering of a few birds perched in the trees. Absent were the milkman, the newspaper delivery boy on his bicycle, and even Deputy Williams who usually stood at the entrance to city hall.
As Preacher Thompson strode across the street past town square, his eyes darted to the clock in the bell tower as it chimed seven times.
He quickened his pace. The town doctor had made another dawn phone call and Preacher once again left the confines of his home to attend to another grieving family.
This is the fifth one this week. When will this influenza end? he thought as he coughed and knocked on the door.
Here's my homework.
The only sound in the usually busy city was the twittering of a few birds perched in the trees. Absent were the milkman, the newspaper delivery boy on his bicycle, and even Deputy Williams who usually stood at the entrance to city hall.
As Preacher Thompson strode across the street past town square, his eyes darted to the clock in the bell tower as it chimed seven times.
He quickened his pace. The town doctor had made another dawn phone call and Preacher once again left the confines of his home to attend to another grieving family.
This is the fifth one this week. When will this influenza end? he thought as he coughed and knocked on the door.
Hey Seema, I've got chronic insomnia, too! Are you on IM? Maybe sometime we could chat in the wee hours of the night.
Anyway, you did a great job with the small-town setting here, and also, with one cough, you established an atmosphere of fear and foreboding. This is SUPERB.
Anyway, you did a great job with the small-town setting here, and also, with one cough, you established an atmosphere of fear and foreboding. This is SUPERB.
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
I have MSN messenger for IM. I think I can get the Windows one, too. Will have to wait until I get my laptop back though.glorybee wrote:Hey Seema, I've got chronic insomnia, too! Are you on IM? Maybe sometime we could chat in the wee hours of the night.
Anyway, you did a great job with the small-town setting here, and also, with one cough, you established an atmosphere of fear and foreboding. This is SUPERB.
Glad you liked my homework. I think I may have to expand it.
Oooh, PM me with your "messenger" name, and I'll add you. Maybe we can have a late night chat.
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
Re: Jan's Master Class--SETTING
Hi, Jan, here is my shot:
3- a homeless man
5- a doctor
2- the mall or market
4- one dark and stormy night
5- a shoe
It was a dark and stormy night. Dr. Philip Dodd strode across the snowy parking lot towards the Market's main entrance. When he was about to reach the door, an old homeless man approached him. The old man wore a ragged dirty cloak and only one shoe.
"Excuse me, young man..." said the old man, and stood before Dr. Dodd. "Could it be that you saw my left shoe somewhere there, between the cars?" Dr. Dodd looked at the man's wrinkled face and recognized it. It was the face of a man he hadn't seen since he was a little boy.
Is it alright?
Thanks.
3- a homeless man
5- a doctor
2- the mall or market
4- one dark and stormy night
5- a shoe
It was a dark and stormy night. Dr. Philip Dodd strode across the snowy parking lot towards the Market's main entrance. When he was about to reach the door, an old homeless man approached him. The old man wore a ragged dirty cloak and only one shoe.
"Excuse me, young man..." said the old man, and stood before Dr. Dodd. "Could it be that you saw my left shoe somewhere there, between the cars?" Dr. Dodd looked at the man's wrinkled face and recognized it. It was the face of a man he hadn't seen since he was a little boy.
Is it alright?
Thanks.
Re: Jan's Master Class--SETTING
Yes, this is quite good, and it has a lot going for it. The hint at the meat of the story (when the doctor recognizes the homeless man) would be enough to hook the readers' interest.Athayde wrote:Hi, Jan, here is my shot:
3- a homeless man
5- a doctor
2- the mall or market
4- one dark and stormy night
5- a shoe
It was a dark and stormy night. Dr. Philip Dodd strode across the snowy parking lot towards the Market's main entrance. When he was about to reach the door, an old homeless man approached him. The old man wore a ragged dirty cloak and only one shoe.
"Excuse me, young man..." said the old man, and stood before Dr. Dodd. "Could it be that you saw my left shoe somewhere there, between the cars?" Dr. Dodd looked at the man's wrinkled face and recognized it. It was the face of a man he hadn't seen since he was a little boy.
Is it alright?
Thanks.
I'd only caution you against starting with "It was a dark and stormy night." It was the setting you chose, and that's fine, but the phrase itself is a bit of a cliche, and it would be preferable to establish your setting without using a worn-out phrase.
Jan Ackerson -- Follow me, friend me, give me a wave!
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
http://www.superioreditingservice.com
Twitter: @janackerson1
Instagram: janackerson
Facebook: Jan Worgul Ackerson, Superior Editing Service, Jan Ackerson, writer
Re: Jan's Master Class--SETTING
Oh, Jan, what an important remark you've just made! Elegant!
Dr. Philip Dodd strode through the stormy and dark night, and crossed the snowy parking lot towards the Market's main entrance. When he was about to reach the door, an old homeless man approached him. The old man wore a ragged, dirty cloak and only one shoe.
"Excuse me, young man..." said the old man, and stood before Dr. Dodd. "Could it be that you saw my left shoe somewhere there, between the cars?" Dr. Dodd looked at the man's wrinkled face and its right shoe, and recognized them... It was the face and the right shoe of a man he hadn't seen since he was a little boy.
***
Thanks.
Dr. Philip Dodd strode through the stormy and dark night, and crossed the snowy parking lot towards the Market's main entrance. When he was about to reach the door, an old homeless man approached him. The old man wore a ragged, dirty cloak and only one shoe.
"Excuse me, young man..." said the old man, and stood before Dr. Dodd. "Could it be that you saw my left shoe somewhere there, between the cars?" Dr. Dodd looked at the man's wrinkled face and its right shoe, and recognized them... It was the face and the right shoe of a man he hadn't seen since he was a little boy.
***
Thanks.