Jan's Master Class--SLANT RHYME

[glorybee]

Congratulations on the new laptop!

Thanks for your insight into slant rhyme...I'd love to read any examples that you might have.

[yvonne]

Okay... I'm back.

Here's a link to one of my poems that has few slant rhymes:

It's Calling Me

Here's my attempt at fixing your couplet..

Avoiding my Savior, I dithered all day.
In shame and in guilt, I tried to hide
By acting busy; instead of obeying.
But all things are open in His sight.

With humble heart and contrite tears,
I am not worthy of his love and grace.
Before his throne I begged for mercy,
Knowing forgiveness I would taste.

Vonnie

[glorybee]

Vonnie--

Great job on both poems! I really, really like the linked one...liked it then, and like it now.

You're one of FWs best poets, to be sure.

[yvonne]

Ah...you're making me blush, Jan.....



I think there are others that are FAR BETTER than I am. I'm still learning from all of you!




Vonnie

[gborgstedefw]

Jan, in my weekly challenge submission this past week, besides having too many commas, I also had a forced rhyme line that could have been better with a slant rhyme instead. Note that in the draft, I had in fact used a slant rhyme, not knowing it at the time, but changed it to a forced rhyme thinking that the line had to be forced. From this lesson, I now know better so when I am able to edit my submission after the challenge is over, I will make an appropriate revision for the slant rhyme I have in mind as well as remove the uncessary commas.

And lastly, having read your latest lesson on stream of consciousness, I think my submission was also an internal monologue. I will provide the link after the close of the challenge.

Thank you very much for your great feedback and these awesome lessons! Have a blessed evening!

Gary B.

[glorybee]

You're welcome! This is one of the favorite things that I do, by far.

Since the judging is over for this week (India), you can post the link now, if you wish.

[gborgstedefw]

Jan, pls note the link to my entry below titled Heart Cry:

http://www.faithwriiters.com/wc-article ... p?id=27778

As advised from the feedback given, I will remove the unnecessary commas and I will change the following forced rhyme to a slant rhyme as taught in your slant rhyme lesson.

The currrent Forced Rhyme is:
Lord! Lord! My time…don’t You know, I have less than a dime.
“Yes, My child! If not this day, then when can I say?”

The revised Slant Rhyme that better completes my thought will be:
Lord! Lord! My time…don’t You know, how many appointments are mine.
“Yes, My child! If not this day, then when can I say?”

And as mentioned in my previous post, I think the overall poem is an internal monologue (with a twist) since it is a prayerful coversation with the Lord. Is this accurate? Does that make sense? I do very much apppreciate your teaching and your guidance as a masterful writer! Thanks again Jan!

Gary B.

[glorybee]

Hi, Gary--

You definitely made the right change in your new line. The words time/mine are soooo close that they will definitely be heard as a rhyme, and it's so much better for your message with the change.

I found it very interesting that in your original post you mentioned something about thinking that the line "had to" rhyme, which is why you forced it. This makes me wonder--and the question is not just for you, but for anybody--is that what English teachers are teaching? If they are, then shame on them!

As for whether your piece is an internal monologue--not really. By definition, a conversation and a monologue are mutually exclusive--a monologue can have only one speaker. If you had written your poem as just one man's prayer, and not included the Lord's reply--then it would be a monologue.

Does that make sense? Hey--thanks for jumping in! Glad to have you in class!

[gborgstedefw]

Thanks Jan! It makes perfect sense as you explain it. Note that I haven't been to any writing school at all; however, I'm currently considering taking the Apprentice course in the Christian Writer's Guild. Until then I guess you can say that I am kind of like a golfer who has learned how to play golf by watching others and teaching himself. I have a lot to learn and I am so thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow as a member of Faithwriters. I probably have some pretty bad curves that need to be corrected with good professional technique...

Have a blessed evening!

Gary B..

[hawaiinei]

Avoiding my savior, I’d dithered all day,
With friendships in passing wholeheartedly spry.
Lagging in rightness, my wand'ring cried until
Hushed my Savior, my Heart, to rest from its rile.

That's how slanted I am.

Jan, you're all about helping the writer.

Bless You Indeed,
Sonya

[glorybee]

Nice, Sonya! Very Dickinson-like! Just put a few long dashes in there, and you could sneak it into an anthology under her name!

[Cleo]

Jan, you're all about helping the writer.

Bless You Indeed,

Indeed. Indeed.

Thank you for your generosity Jan.

[tahinikid]

Joining this discussion a bit late...

I wrote this a while ago. How'd I do?

<b>Lament for Jerusalem</b>

Twisted fragments of a sacred vessel
Spoiled for service, wrecked to recognition;
Fire-scorched symbol of a faithless vassal
Seared of hope, of life, of God – this Nation.
Oh Virgin daughter, tainted, fouled, impure!
Secret place uncovered to the Gentile,
Spoil of battle for the pagan Empire
Whose prideful king plays God’s unwitting tool.
Voiceless streets, once garrulous with commerce,
Cold Zion! Dulled to any voice but trade.
Deaf your ears, to silence’s small clamours
The whispers of a patient God, betrayed.
Grieve for your disgrace but calm your moaning
Ancient mercy is renewed each morning.

<i> sonnet based on Lamentations </i>

Actually, as I re-read it, I dislike the patchy use of trochees and iambs, but that's not the point of this lesson.

[glorybee]

Helen, I wouldn't know a trochee or an iamb if it bit me on the nose. But I love your use of slant rhymes in this sonnet! I found plenty of other poetic "tricks" in there, too.

Why did you choose to go that direction, rather than using exact rhymes? And what was the occasion of the writing of that particular poem?

[tahinikid]

Didn't want it to be too 'tumty tum' - not the sort of subject for that.
Can't remember what made me write it - just came to me, I think