Caleb Cheong wrote:Can I have another go, please ? It's a 13-line blank verse.
An unpalatable jam
1A bad road jam occurred on my first day
2 It soon began as my bus
hit a lane
3 I thought the drab jam would soon clear-
4 It dragged
on and on till we all lost count
5 We fumed;we phoned office to break the news
6 Through the wind screen
I saw trees stroll past us
7 Behind long queues
of slow cars our
8 It moved at snail’s pace and arrived three hours!
I told my co-workers the jam- they smiled
10 Their smiles could hide a thousand and one thoughts
11The news even reported the jam at night
The keen police caused a bottle neck!"
13 Relieved,a colleague
grinned,”Your tale was true!”
Caleb, this one has some of the same issues as your previous blank verse. All of the lines except 11 and 12 have ten syllables, but in some of them, your iambs are off. Each one should be unstressed/STRESSED, but (to my ear) the stresses don't always fall on the correct syllable.
Here's an example--in line 6, the stresses fall like this:
through the WIND screen i saw TREES stroll PAST us
...where the pattern should be like that in line 2:
it/SOON be/GAN as/MY bus/HIT a/LANE
Also, some of your lines sound a bit forced and awkward. For example, in line 5 where you write "we phoned office to break the news." You had to omit "the" in the phrase "the office" to make the syllable count work, but it just sounds "wrong" that way.
However--I've found that different kinds of spoken English put the stresses in different places, so I may be "off" to your ear. In working with speakers of UK English from Australia and England, I've learned that they hear stresses differently from US speakers. From your name and from you mentioning that you were in Malaysia, I wonder if your accent might be different from mine. If the stresses sound fine to your ears, you can disregard everything I've said!
This is why poetry is so hard, and why I rarely attempt it. A good poet has to be able to achieve the correct meter and also make it flow naturally. For poets who use rhyme, that's still another factor that needs to "feel" effortless for the reader, but in reality, it's very, very difficult.
Finally, it's not clear why this little incident is presented as a poem. A poem needs to have some emotional content--some reason why it's not just a little anecdote written in prose.
I encourage you to keep working at it, and to find the kind of poetry that works best with your particular writing gift. Experiment with other poetic forms--free verse, haiku, limerick, etc. You obviously have a poet's heart, and with your determination to master it, I'm sure you'll go far.