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Shann wrote:This is what I wrote originally :
My red ink is for the ending. I think you went a couple of lines too long. I'd have had the penultimate line be: He took another long drink from his soda, and they all sat quietly contemplating their view of Jesus.
And now I'm going to disagree with Jan and myself a little.
By giving the boys thoughts, you're creating a POV shift. Since the story is told from the POV of Joey, we can't know what others are thinking without shifting, which I now realize I did as well with the contemplating line that I took from the original story. I agree it needed that part, but perhaps it could be done with: A sudden silence fell over the group. Joey scratched his head as he thought about Jesus flipping over tables in the temple.
Then he farted.
Toni Hammer wrote:Poor Joey's being put through the ringer tonight. I love all this feedback and conversation.
glorybee wrote:No need to apologize for a legitimate and valid difference of opinion! It's all good.
JayDavidKing wrote: I think the problem with this story was that its only purpose was to lead up to the surprise ending. Maybe that was the mistake I made. The story should have given the reader MORE than just the ending.
itsjoanne wrote:I love when an ending comes full circle in a surprising way - bringing us back to the beginning
swfdoc1 wrote:itsjoanne wrote:I love when an ending comes full circle in a surprising way - bringing us back to the beginning
I love this, too. Garrison Keillor does this in the stories he tells on his show (which I have listened to a lot) and I presume in his books (which I have not read). Or at least he takes one back to somewhere WAY earlier in the story, which always serves as a zinger because you think he's just fallen into an almost stream-of-consciousness mode, just to find out the whole think was carefully crafted. He doesn't always do it--he does so many different things with his stories. So when he does, he always catches me off guard.
I feel that a story that has elements of its beginning in its ending helps to create a better sense of a complete story. Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne is one of the earliest European authors I am aware of to use this concept (not sure if someone else did it before him). Hawthorne opens Young Goodman Brown with a pleasant and uplifting scene with his wife, and ends the story in a very tragic scene with his wife.
Cinnamon Bear wrote:One of my entries with a surprise ending was "Teen Town". I don't know exactly what rating the ending received but the entry itself was 1st in Advanced and 7th in Editor's Choice. Therefore I am assuming that the judges rating the ending fairly high, even though it breaks Rule #1 listed by Jan:
"Eloísa's Mission" did not rate that well overall--only 16th in Advanced. (16th place is not quite as bad as it sounds. There were more entries back then. ) But the ending was rated high---about 4.4/5. And it was certainly a surprise ending:
I remembered both of these pieces as I re-read them. Still don't love the "dream" ending, but the stories are delightfully written, and I really love the idea of an Amazon Avon lady!
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