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LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

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JudySauer
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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby JudySauer » Mon Sep 28, 2015 6:30 pm

:thankssign
I'll get to my homework later. Just want you to know you are loved and appreciated for the great lessons you provide.

I learn so much from you.
Bless you,
Judy
Mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance. -Jude 2 NIV

Judy Sauer
http://www.faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=23323

cgpeoples
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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby cgpeoples » Fri May 27, 2016 1:56 pm

Homework - strong imagery - poetry

The radiant colors of the rainbow blinded my human eye...but
the glorious promise it beheld made me tremble inside.
The promise of tomorrow, a love so brilliant and true
I bowed my head before Him and whispered...
"Lord, I so love you!"

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glorybee
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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby glorybee » Fri May 27, 2016 2:09 pm

cgpeoples wrote:Homework - strong imagery - poetry

The radiant colors of the rainbow blinded my human eye...but
the glorious promise it beheld made me tremble inside.
The promise of tomorrow, a love so brilliant and true
I bowed my head before Him and whispered...
"Lord, I so love you!"


I'll give you a similar comment to this as I did on an earlier post:

On the plus side, a rainbow is something that's universally understood and cherished (who doesn't love a rainbow), so this makes an instant connection with the reader. And the image of trembling is also a strong one.

However--rainbows (and the fact that they symbolize promise) are such a common image that it's not bringing anything new to the reader. Similarly, the image of a bowed head is one of those Christian cliches. Could you find a fresh way to illustrate/symbolize the concepts of God's promises and your love for Him--something that readers won't have encountered before?
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cgpeoples
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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby cgpeoples » Wed Jun 01, 2016 11:11 am

Let me start out Jan by saying how much I appreciate the lessons! They are awesome and have already taught me so much, so thank you!

Here's the rewrite: illustration of God's promise and my love for HIM

I lay on my beach towel basking in the sunshine surrounded by God's glorious creation,
which proves to me HIS unending love for not only me - but for all nations.

The sound of rushing water drowns me in His presence while
I softly whisper prayers of thanks for all HIS many blessings.

The birds are singing and crickets chirping, reminding me of HIS promises
which fulfills all of my yearnings.

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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby glorybee » Wed Jun 01, 2016 12:41 pm

As I said on the other thread, this is better. Since your writing is technically good, you can spend more time working on polishing it and making it stand out. Getting rid of cliches is one way to do that.
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Beverly Waller
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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby Beverly Waller » Wed Nov 09, 2016 8:26 pm

Hi Jan!

Here's my homework assignment for lesson three. It's the beginning for an article I'm working on.
I tried to begin it with a story, include some images, and use interesting words. I believe it will make a reader interested in reading on. I look forward to your comments. :)


I knew a man who pursued Christian knowledge. He strives to live for God. Great light floods his mind on many subjects, and he delights to share this treasure. But, he encountered Bible verses that he couldn't penetrate. Peace eluded him. He works for God's smile so that He will be welcomed home later.

After I examined Bible passages that burdened him, the truth in them shone like warm sunshine. I hope you will bask in it and find rest.


Thanks for these lessons! :)

Beverly

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Re: LESSON 18--A GREAT BEGINNING #3

Postby glorybee » Thu Nov 10, 2016 10:13 am

Beverly Waller wrote:Hi Jan!

Here's my homework assignment for lesson three. It's the beginning for an article I'm working on.
I tried to begin it with a story, include some images, and use interesting words. I believe it will make a reader interested in reading on. I look forward to your comments. :)


I knew a man who pursued Christian knowledge. He strives to live for God. Great light floods his mind on many subjects, and he delights to share this treasure. But, he encountered Bible verses that he couldn't penetrate. Peace eluded him. He works for God's smile so that He will be welcomed home later.

After I examined Bible passages that burdened him, the truth in them shone like warm sunshine. I hope you will bask in it and find rest.


Beverly, my only concern about this is that you're inconsistent in your use of tenses. That wasn't part of the lesson, but it made your paragraphs a little bit difficult to read. I've color-coded the significant verbs above: the red ones are in past tense, and the blue ones are in present tense. When you switch from one tense to the other, the reader is slightly disoriented. In this case, either tense would have been fine; you just need to choose one and stick to it.

As far as the general principles of this lesson, you've done fine!
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