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#16--A GREAT BEGINNING

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

Moderators: mikeedwards, glorybee

cdafrica
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Re: #16--A GREAT BEGINNING

Postby cdafrica » Thu May 03, 2012 9:36 pm

Glorybee,

Thank you so much! :D I really appreciate your help!! I need a lot more of it!

~Cara

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Arpy
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Re: #16--A GREAT BEGINNING

Postby Arpy » Wed May 09, 2012 1:58 pm

I have to say, this thread is :coolsign

This is a first line of one of mine, if anyone's interested.

"I don't know if you are the sort of person who likes music—I mean the kind of person who finds it as essential a part of life as food and drink."

And another of my personal favourites;

"This is a story of Men, and of Men's dreams."

That last one is ironic, because the story was inspired by a dream. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Arpy

I write adventures, historical fiction, war stories, fantasies, psychological and spy thrillers.

IN PROGRESS:
Snaga - fan fiction fantasy
Emira - action adventure
Confessions of an Evil Genius - psychological thriller
The Play-Actor - sci-fi, historical, psychological spy thriller
Dreamreader - YA psychological thriller
A fantasy without a title
RECENT DRAFTS:
Royal Opposition - action adventure

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glorybee
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Re: #16--A GREAT BEGINNING

Postby glorybee » Wed May 09, 2012 5:36 pm

Arpy, thanks for stopping by.

The strength of your first sentence is its metaphor; you immediately get the reader thinking about whether or not music is necessary for survival. And since you address the reader directly, you draw her into the story immediately.

Here's your version:

"I don't know if you are the sort of person who likes music—I mean the kind of person who finds it as essential a part of life as food and drink."

Here's how I'd edit it:

"I don't know if you are the sort of person who likes music—I mean the sort of person who finds it as essential as food and drink."

I changed kind to sort in the second clause, to give it a more perfect parallelism, and I eliminated a part of life. Those 4 words are redundant, and the sentence is punchier without them.

As for your second sentence:

"This is a story of Men, and of Men's dreams."

...I probably wouldn't change a thing. I'm not sure, because the reason for capitalizing "Men" isn't clear to me. But it's got brevity and punch, and that's great!
Jan Ackerson

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Arpy
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Re: #16--A GREAT BEGINNING

Postby Arpy » Wed May 09, 2012 8:10 pm

Thank you, glorybee. You are so absolutely brilliant.

In the original, 'men' isn't capitalised. That is because the second line (hopefully) clarifies what kind of men. Not male men--human men. But it didn't look right on it's own, with no capitalisation. I'll change it back.
Arpy

I write adventures, historical fiction, war stories, fantasies, psychological and spy thrillers.

IN PROGRESS:
Snaga - fan fiction fantasy
Emira - action adventure
Confessions of an Evil Genius - psychological thriller
The Play-Actor - sci-fi, historical, psychological spy thriller
Dreamreader - YA psychological thriller
A fantasy without a title
RECENT DRAFTS:
Royal Opposition - action adventure

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helen1975
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Re: #16--A GREAT BEGINNING

Postby helen1975 » Tue Jul 10, 2012 9:06 pm

Hi Jan,

Not sure if this is still up and running, but I'd love your thoughts on this opener:


I hate ducks. I always have hated ducks, but after today, they're enemy number 1.

Or version 2

I hate ducks; always have. But after today's humiliation, they're Billie's "public enemy number 1."

Thanks in advance!

Blessings,

Helen

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