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#14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

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Kid Denver
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Postby Kid Denver » Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:31 pm

Her face visits
In the depths of dark
When I’m unarmed
Vulnerable
Parked
In sleep
Unannounced

Her face visits
Draped in Heaven’s blonde
Eyes adorable … emerald … sparkles
Smiles … innocent … lips part
Whispers
“I love you”
Unannounced

Her face visits
Slices my
Heart … a beating heart … into thin pieces on a paper plate
Unannounced

"Henry C."
Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men,... Col. 3:23

My Member Profile Page: http://www.faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=27052

My Blog: The Underside of Green: http://henryclemmonspoet.blogspot.com/

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punkin
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The Well-Constructive Poem

Postby punkin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:13 am

Jan--

This is one of my most recent poems, Forever Mine. It a conversation from a father to his daughter and how he views her. Its only a portion of the poem. I do a lot of non-rhyming poems. So here the first stanza of the poem.

I gave you life from the moment you were born,
Our friendship grew as the years past us by.
Day after day, I watched you as you grew.
The tears I’ve cried every time your heart was broken.
It wasn’t long that you learned,
you were fearfully and wonderfully made.

Hope you enjoy it and please tell me if I'm in the right direction. Trying to combine a few in a devotion book I'm begging to write.

Thanks
Christine
Go ahead and dream big, because God's dream is much bigger than ours!______________________________________
http://www.mytraveledpaths.com
http://www.ChristianDevotions.us
http://www.todayisagooddaywithgod.com/

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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby meljkerr » Sat Feb 19, 2011 10:51 am

Something I either heard or read about poetry is that is is supposed to be read. You have to read it out loud to find out whether it connects or not.

Old MacDonald had a Farm

Old MacDonald had a farm
EE-EYE-EE-EYE-OH
And on that farm he had
Seventy two wind turbines
EE-EYE-EE-EYE-OH
With a swish swish here
And a hum hum there
Here a swish, there a hum
Racking up the mega watts
Selling off the surplus
Old Macdonald had a farm
EE-EYE-EE-EYE-OH

rjc33020
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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby rjc33020 » Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:51 pm

Greetings. First off I would like to say thank you for writing this. I have been writing poetry from since I was in grade school and now at 30 am looking to master it. Make it a career and would like to construct my poems more. Want it perfected as much as possible. I mainly write poems of rhyme. These 8 lines are from a poem I entered here on faithwriters called IT IS HIS LIFE

Life with no christ is no life at all.
He is my refuge and shield. In him I stand tall.

He is my buckler. He encamps around me.
I am loving him because he first loved me.

His will shall be done. I praise his name.
For his breath is in me. He is in my veins.

I tried my way. Thought I was an expert.
I rejected GODS way and brought on a curse.

He delivered me. With him I want to be.
My life is not my own. It's his breath within me.


Hope it inspires you as it has me and I wrote it but GOD gave me the words to write. GOD bless you. Looking forward to your criticism.

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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby glorybee » Mon Sep 30, 2013 6:47 am

Thanks for finding this thread. I'm away from home until tomorrow--I'll critique your poem in a day or two. Just wanted to let you know I'd seen this.
Jan Ackerson

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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby Come forth » Mon Sep 30, 2013 12:10 pm

Hi, I'd like to join in the revival of this thread.

I've written poetry most of my life but, unlike a previous post on this thread, mine was not intentionally bad; just bad :lol:

Anyway, here are 8 lines from a poem i recently posted in the critique circle (here: http://www.faithwriters.com/critique-ci ... 4&id=12536)

...
On two pieces of wood,
With a few iron spikes,
You murdered my Lord,
When you vented your spite.
But truth is still truth,
You’re left out in the rain,
Because now you’re the one,
Who’ll face sorrow and pain.
...

It's quite a long poem. But it tells a story. I enjoy writing poetry that carries a message that is easy to read and understand.

I often use what I guess are predictable rhymes -- but then again they also often reflect the simpleness that I am trying to show in the truth I am sharing.

I think I see something beautiful in trying to make a poem not only simple (and yes, even perhaps predictable) to read but to also understand. One of my dislikes in poetry (very personal view here and by no means meant to be 'right') is when it is so esoteric that you need a panel of folk with university degrees to start a debating club on its meaning.

Looking forward to visiting some of your other older postings.

Blessings and thanks, Graham.
May we all get eyes to see and ears to hear,
A Revelation of His Word, crystal clear.
Admitting our need to be drawn in,
Less of self, more of Him.

My prayer for us all.
God bless us with the Revelation of His Word, Graham
http://www.shekinahcloud.com/page/page/8464330.htm

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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 01, 2013 9:53 am

rjc33020 wrote:
Life with no christ is no life at all.
He is my refuge and shield. In him I stand tall.

He is my buckler. He encamps around me.
I am loving him because he first loved me.

His will shall be done. I praise his name.
For his breath is in me. He is in my veins.

I tried my way. Thought I was an expert.
I rejected GODS way and brought on a curse.

He delivered me. With him I want to be.
My life is not my own. It's his breath within me.



I've written a fairly lengthy critique of this poem, but before I post it here, I want to get your permission to post it publicly. If you'd prefer, I can email it to you. Send me a PM with your email address if you'd rather go that route.
Jan Ackerson

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Re: #14--THE WELL-CONSTRUCTED POEM

Postby glorybee » Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:12 am

Come forth wrote:One of my dislikes in poetry (very personal view here and by no means meant to be 'right') is when it is so esoteric that you need a panel of folk with university degrees to start a debating club on its meaning.


Me too! I'm not a person who likes to ponder much.

I don't have any critique of your poem, really. It's got consistent meter and rhyme, and a good flow (but see my comments on punctuation). The message is clear. I might have punctuated it differently; you don't need a punctuation mark at the end of every line. Try punctuating it as you'd punctuate prose. You probably wouldn't have so many commas in there:

On two pieces of wood with a few iron spikes, you murdered my Lord when you vented your spite. But truth is still truth. You’re left out in the rain because now you’re the one who’ll face sorrow and pain.

So:

On two pieces of wood
With a few iron spikes,
You murdered my Lord
When you vented your spite.
But truth is still truth.
You’re left out in the rain
Because now you’re the one
Who’ll face sorrow and pain.

The flow is better when the reader's brain doesn't screech to a halt at the end of every line.

Well done, on the whole--thanks for digging up this old thread!
Jan Ackerson

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