So I'm have little less than a month until my hip replacement surgery (surgery date is Feb. 13), and I'm kind of freaking out again.
I've come to the conclusion that it's not even the surgery itself that I'm most anxious about. I mean, I'm not going to lie. I'm anxious about the surgery itself too (and recovery). And it's not even that fact that I'm having it before I turn 30, though, again, that's part of it too. Anyway, I know, for the most part, that this is the right time for surgery. I do still doubt it at times, but then I think about it this way. I'm 29. And while that's "young" to have this surgery, and the pain isn't too bad yet, I'm sick and tired of thinking about this every single day. I'm sick and tired of not doing simple things, like trying on shoes because I'm afraid I won't be able to get my shoe tied again after I get my own shoes back on. I'm tired of feeling like a tortoise when everyone else my age is a hare. I'm tired of wanting to go to an amusement park but not going because I'm afraid I won't be able to walk for long enough of a time to make the price of admission worth it. I'm tired of not being able to hold and play with all the babies in the church nursery. So even though the pain isn't all that bad by my own standard, and except for my over analytical mind freaking out (And over analytical and detail oriented mind with a year or more to think about surgery is just NOT a good thing, and I do NOT want to go through any extra time of that!) I think I'm ready. But again, I'm freaking out a bit, and trying not to think of the "what ifs" including "What if I have to delay it for some reason?" *rolls eyes*
(I thought I posted this next part somewhere, but I can't figure out where, so I apologize if I'm repeating myself)
But the thing, I think that gets to me the most is that the realization that the surgery I had when I was nine was not a permanent solution. I mean, I don't know that I ever thought it would be permanent, but I certainly didn't expect to be facing a major hip surgery again this soon. And it's the realization that, in all reality, this is going to be something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. And so while I'm ready for this to be over with (for now) each day closer to surgery is a day closer to that realization that this surgery probably isn't the end. I guess in a way I think if I can delay surgery (which I don't want to do) then I can delay the inevitable NEXT surgery. It hit me at work today, and just had to sit there for a bit, because I couldn't think about much else. So I would love prayers for peace, that I wouldn't think about it constantly, and that my over analytical mind would shut the heck up!
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings, and I hope that made at least some sense.