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Southern Porch Extension

A place for general chat (non-writing related). Please keep political discussions to the relevant neighborhood forum.

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BeachGrandma
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Tue Apr 08, 2014 12:56 pm

NOTICE: I don't clean gutters and I don't clean windows.

Other than that, I'll clean everything in your house except your bathrooms, kitchen, dining room, laundry room, living room, bedrooms, closets, hallways, baseboards and stairways.

You can see why I'm in great demand, so get in the queue quickly if you want my services.

:superhappy :clap :superhappy :thumbs
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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Tue Apr 08, 2014 1:42 pm

Praying for your family, Betty--so sad.

Copying Edy's recipe for washing windows.

Getting over food poisoning.

Sending hugs to my friends.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Tue Apr 08, 2014 1:51 pm

Don and Mariane, I like the way you two think when it comes to cleaning.

Friends, I have something I would like your honest opinions on. It's long, so bear with me.

The funeral yesterday was well attended. I'm estimating there were about 300 people there, and it was held at our church, which is small. Normal seating capacity is about 175 - 200, so it was standing room only and people were spilling out the doorway. Don and I and his brother did not sit with the family because half the church was reserved for family from out of town. This young man had a lot of family, besides our niece's immediate family, which is also large.

We got there plenty early and were able to get a seat in the third row from the front, although there were already quite a few people there. After we had been there just a few minutes, Don's niece, who is also a sister of the widow of the young man who was killed, came in and sat down behind us. There are four girls in this family. One sister lives in MO and was not in attendance, but the remaining one did walk in and sit with the family. So, to back track a bit, before the family came in, I asked the sister sitting behind us, whom I'll call Susie, to sit in the pew with us, which she did with some reluctance. She was teary eyed and quite upset. She felt she was not welcome to sit with the family. You have to understand this family's dynamics are not your ordinary family dynamics. They have a history of on again, off again relationships and many rocky instances starting with when they were small. Their dad (Don's brother) is deceased, BTW, and their mom also lives in MO.

While trying to pay attention to the service, I did find myself trying to comfort Susie a few times. She talked to me a little bit about some current issues. Keep in mind we were whispering the whole time. I don't think anyone else heard anything we were saying. A friend of Susie's came in and sat in the pew in front of us and they also talked, but just a couple of times.

Because of the large number of people in attendance, there were a few people who did get up and walk around, but I didn't. I'm adding this to point out there were a few distractions during the service.

At one point, when Susie said something to me, then leaned forward and also said it her friend in front of us, the pastor's wife, who was sitting directly behind me, leaned up and tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, she pointed to the pastor who was talking and indicated we needed to be quiet.

This just did not sit well with me. In the first place, we are not children who needed to be scolded. It was a funeral, and my niece Susie was trying to cope with some issues. The pastor's wife had absolutely no idea what we were even talking about. Yes, I agree, it's the polite thing to do to listen to the speaker at a funeral, but I felt this circumstance was unusual. It angered me when she did it. I think I am going to speak to her and tell her if I distracted her, I am sorry, but then go on to explain what was happening. I actually don't think we were bothering her that much. As I said, we were whispering, and Don, who was sitting right beside me said he didn't hear us. Besides that, the whole thing was embarrassing since we were sitting near the front. I have no idea how many people saw the pastor's wife do this. And if it makes any difference, she's about ten years younger than I am.

Am I wrong in thinking it was inappropriate for her to shush us? I will take all opinions under advisement. Thanks, friends!
Last edited by BettyDee on Tue Apr 08, 2014 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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BettyDee
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Tue Apr 08, 2014 1:53 pm

Verna, you must have posted about the same time I did. Food poisoning. Wow! Hope you are feeling much better now.

And thanks to everyone for your prayers.
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:42 pm

Betty, I think it was inappropriate to be shushed, but if I didn't know her, I'd be inclined to drop it. If I did, I'd tell her your were comforting a young lady in distress, and her shushing was ill-timed and unnecessary. Of course, knowing me, I probably wouldn't say anything , either way. She probably won't change anyway.
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A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:59 pm

Thank you, Verna. I definitely know her. She is my pastor's wife, and it was my pastor who was speaking. I really want to say something to her, but I don't know if I actually will. Right now, I think I will, but by the time I see her again, I may not be in the mood. It doesn't really merit calling her about or going to her home, although it is bothering me. I appreciate your input.Thanks again.
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:56 pm

I also feel her action toward you was inappropriate. Funerals are not always solemn, quiet, straight-laced events, nor do they need to be. They are often emotionally charged, and many kinds of other distractions are likely to occur.

Perhaps you should invite your Pastor's wife to join you alone for a cup of coffee at some other location where your thoughts can be discussed quietly and openly.

Does she tend to be controlling, forceful, demanding, or even legalistic in the things she does and says?

Just my thoughts...

Don
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Tue Apr 08, 2014 4:16 pm

Thank you, Don. I really just needed verification that I was not wrong.

She does tend to be controlling, and even somewhat forceful at times. I told Don last night I would almost put her in the "control freak" category. Sorry, but that's what I said. :oops:

Like Verna said, she probably won't change, but it might be time for someone to express (kindly) how she makes them feel.
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Tue Apr 08, 2014 4:51 pm

Believe it or not, this happened to me in the little Baptist church in the NC mountains that John's grandfather helped to start many years ago. A new pastor and his wife were in attendance at a get-together we were having in the fellowship hall. We were all sitting in several rows of chairs while the pastor gave a devotional. A woman in the church came in and sat next to me, and started telling me about her elderly mother who the sheriff had found wandering down a major highway near their home. She was very distraught and had just come from the hospital where her mother had been committed. The pastor's wife was sitting in front of us and quickly turned around and in a very loud whisper said, "Would you ladies mind taking your socializing outside? We're trying to have devotions here." Everyone heard her and my friend and I both turned red with embarrassment. I wanted to confront her after the event was over with but by that time I had simmered down considerably. The preacher's wife looked very bad doing that and she lost points with the congregation, especially when they found out about my friend's mother being committed. This preacher's wife won't change. All we could do about her was pray she wouldn't cause hard feelings which might result in people leaving the church. I don't think it would do a bit of good to confront her but if you decided to, it should be sooner rather than later.
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Tue Apr 08, 2014 4:59 pm

Mariane, thanks for your wise words. And I can honestly say I know exactly how you felt.

I think if it's bothering me this much, I am going to have to say something to her. I'm just not sure when or how, but it will be soon. Don's idea of meeting her for coffee is a good one, but I may see her tomorrow night. I could ask her to walk outside with me for a minute. We'll see...
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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Tue Apr 08, 2014 9:59 pm

Ooooh! Betty, what an uncomfortable experience. I think the "soft answer" response you wrote is perfect, it registers your regret over the situation, and should make her stop and think (of how insensitive she was), rather than make her defensively react:

I think I am going to speak to her and tell her if I distracted her, I am sorry, but then go on to explain what was happening.


Such a gracious response isn't my gift, believe me! In your shoes, I would be fuming and needing to bite my tongue until I could cool down. :x
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Wed Apr 09, 2014 3:15 am

BettyDee wrote:Thank you, Don. I really just needed verification that I was not wrong.

She does tend to be controlling, and even somewhat forceful at times. I told Don last night I would almost put her in the "control freak" category. Sorry, but that's what I said. :oops:

Like Verna said, she probably won't change, but it might be time for someone to express (kindly) how she makes them feel.


I've known pastors wives like that. She may or may not be the control freak type but perhaps too she has the "preachers wife insecurity syndrome". Just maybe it's her way of dealing with it. Or, perhaps that is what her husband expects of her. Just my thoughts,

Chrissy

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Wed Apr 09, 2014 10:42 am

Oh, believe me, Edy, I was fuming! I have calmed down now, but still am not happy about it.

Chrissy, it's possible what you said is correct. I do know our preacher is a completely different personality type than she is, though. I can't imagine him wanting her to "take charge" for him. But, who knows? I'm totally on board with the pastor's wife thing. Interesting.
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby deejay » Wed Apr 09, 2014 1:41 pm

Sometimes it's insecurity, sometimes it's a prideful "I'm the preacher's wife, that makes me the boss." But yes, it was foolish of her to shush you as if you were an unruly child, and I would pick out a few Scriptures to quote when you speak to her. About comforting others, etc.. Also a When you (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank), in the future(fill in the blank) approach could be useful. Like, "When you shushed me at the funeral as I was comforting a family member who was hurting, I felt angry and embarrassed. In the future, please show more sympathy and understanding, as Christ would."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Wed Apr 09, 2014 3:40 pm

Thanks, deejay. That's good advice. I had thought of using scriptures, but didn't want to seem preachy. I'll have some ready, though, in case I need them.
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